Titleless...

I’ve just about completed the first week of my senior year in college. I can’t believe I’m a senior. I feel like a couple of months ago, was hanging out with Hydia, Eve and Monica. It’s exciting but I really just wanna learn what I’m supposed to learn so I can take my exams and be out. I’ve done the college thing and it’s time for me to go to the next step in my life.

This year, I have a senior single, which means I have my own room but still have 3 roommates who also have their own room. They seem cool, and I haven’t had any issues with them thus far. Being in this room though, I feel so cut off from the outside world. I don’t know if it’s b/c is so early but I just feel like there’s nothing going on anywhere and I’ve spent the majority of this week in my room. Maybe this is a good thing so I can focus on these 5 classes I have and get my GPA up.

I’ve kept to my word and have been working on a daily basis. I over did it Monday but I’m ok now, I just wanna keep it up. I’m an impatient person and if I don’t see a change soon, I’ll most likely just stop. But I’m going to keep going if for nothing else, just to keep me healthy and active.

Bailey sad some really hurtful things to me last week to the tune of her not caring about me anymore and that she didn’t know if she wanted to see me. I was pissed but I let it go, then this week, she IM’d me being cordial and what not. I can’t stand inconsistency and right about know, she owns that title. Jersey chick IM’d me today to, off some how you been I miss talking to you. I had to laugh to myself cause it seems like folks are just working their mouthpieces these days to stay in good graces with those who have already written them off.

I get paid today and I’m scared to look at my account b/c I really need to get this book for one of my classes and if my paycheck isn’t at least $60, I’m just out of luck. I went to the B&BW out here and talked to the manager. She’s a little too happy with her store and being its manager but I could work with her. However, if I decide to work there, I will have to take a pay cut which is very problematic cause I wasn’t making anything at the on in MD. I may just have to say, sorry and do to work study jobs. I refuse to be broke any longer, whatever I need to do, I’m going to do it cause I need to take care of myself and I definitely can’t do that with $6.43 in my account.

This week was pretty drab, nothing of interest to report. I need some excitement right about now cause life is pretty dull. I hope this weekend provides a little bit of entertainment.

:amel:

:|: Young Grasshopper :|:

I have 6 final days of summer break, next Saturday its back to the hustle and bustle of Ohio Wesleyan University. I’m about ready to go back so I can see the new freshies, have adventures with the crew, see Bailey, and make some money. I was able to transfer my position at the B&BW out here to the one that’s close to me so I’ll have a permanent position and a steady flow of income. It may not be much but it will be helpful.Speaking of work they have me scheduled almost everyday this week. I can’t complain cause once again the money is a good thing but at the same time it’s cutting into my visiting time with folks before I leave.

The last week of my chemistry class was kinda rocky but I got a C and I can definitely deal with that. Now I just have to transfer that class over to my school and pray that I retain all that I just learned so that I can successfully get through chem II. I met some cool people in my chem. class and I hope to keep in touch with them. Sheriff is an army guy, very sarcastic like me so we’d go back and forth with each other like brother and sister. It was fun times but he was so hard to talk to cause he thought everything was so funny...At any rate, I’ll probably try and hang out with him one more time before I go back to school. My godparents moved from atl to dc and I pretty much spent some portion of time with them all last week. I’m happy they’re here cause now my mommy has her support system. My mom has known them both since high school an they are very close. I saw my cousins for the first time in 5 years...my godbrother is sexy *cheese* but it was nice to see them.

As always when least expected and during the worst timing, a few new ladies of importance have been revealed to me. I just wish I wasn’t going back to school so I could stick around and get to know them better. I’m still working through some things from the past with previous relationships but I’m getting where I need to be. This summer has definitely been a enlightening one cause I’ve been able to put some of what I’ve learn in the past to practice, in terms of dealing with people. I’ll elaborate later...but I have to go to work in a few and I kinda wanna lay down cause I’m definitely still buzzed from last night...yea, so....lol

:amel:

ASAP....Early....Roll Out....

Can we say 80 on my chem. exam...what...*looks around* amel…get the fu@k outta here. Yes that’s right I got a 78 + 2pt (curve) on my second chemistry exam. Now if I could only keep up with my homework assignments perhaps I’ll actually pass this class with a decent grade. Not that it really maters cause I’m only getting credit for the class and the grade isn’t going to do anything for my GPA….oh well, such is life

This past weekend was Cooker’s birthday so her DWats and I all went to the Apex. OMG, I had the best time I’ve ever had in my life. I saw 5 ppl that I knew, got 2 numbers and witnessed the aftermath of a lovers scorn. This chick beat her girlfriend so bad, they had to call the ambulance. Hot Mess

Work is going well, I’m actually on the schedule next week so my next check should be enough for me to do something about this cell phone bill of mine...speaking of them, I should call them...NOW

So out of Character...or is It

I have a lot to say but it’s 1:40am and I have class at 8am so I’m going to be very brief…

Words can be very powerful and convincing to those that don’t think highly of themselves. Telling some one that they are attractive, sexy, not feminine enough or that they are simple can really affect ones behavior and/or character. I mean everyone likes to receive compliments, its just a matter of what you do with them. People that are confident or have a pretty decent self-esteem don’t really take what others say to heart cause they know who and what they are no matter what anyone says or thinks. However, those that aren’t as strong can some times get carried away and believe what anyone tells them or act accordingly depending on what’s said. Having such an erratic personality is not the best because you can be easily influenced by anyone such as people that actually have your best interest at heart or those that know nothing about who you are and what you’re about. I wish that I was a stronger person and confident in who I am so that I wasn’t so easily influenced by others.

As I learn more and more about myself, I’m kinda appalled by how little I know about myself and the kind of person I am.

In Brief...

Chem- Prof is good, we do too much group work for my liking.. I have unintelligent ppl in my group and working with them on a daily basis is giving me more patience then a little bit. One week down three to go….

Work- Sale is over and I’ve been reduced to 16hrs a week. Please tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do with a $60 check?!

Women
-Peach is officially the first conniving person I’ve met. I’m mad I even allowed my self to be sucked into her fantasy world. I’m am disgusted by her actions and logic or lack there of
-I had to kick myself today cause I was reminded how I gave up the greatest opportunity to love someone and be loved in return by and intelligent, motivated and sexy woman.
-Made a new friend, we’ll see how this goes

Random
- Many people are selfish, impatient and horney. Those three things are a lethal combination
- The concept of a relationship has become so much more clear to me since HoSHI and I have separated and become friends again
-She is the epitome of sexy to me. She exudes it she is it and I get real pissed off knowing that I’ve only experienced the smallest fraction of it and will never get to experience it again. Her wife is going to be one satisfied woman…guaranteed!
Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!…x10

I have a test in the morning that I haven’t finished preparing for, I didn’t do my homework, I was socialy over-stimulated today and I’m exhausted and won’t be back to functioning till Tuesday…

Consider yourself Updated…

Karma and Nature

Karma (n): 1The total effect of ones conduct 2 believed in Buddhism and Hinduism to determine ones destiny in a future life 3 Fate

I experience positive Karma the other day and I had to smile to myself cause it came unexpectedly. I usually don’t refer to things as Karma, I just say it’s a blessing. But at any rate I was depositing my laughable pay check in the bank and I saw this girl I knew walking to the bus stop. So I stopped and took her to the station. As she thanked me for taking her, I told her it was no problem and that I didn’t mind taking her cause I’m sure the favor will be repaid at some point in time. Well sure enough, mommy and I went to Best Buy later in the day so she could buy a jump drive and I stopped by the music section to see if Raheem DeVaughn’s album was around. Of course it was sold out but as we were walking up to the counter, the girl that we had talked to about the album before, brought me a copy. I’m not sure if it was one they had in the back or her copy or what, but I had a copy of the sold out album in my hand and I wasn’t complaining.

My patience has finally paid off. HoShi and I are in a comfortable place in our friendship. It was never her with the problem, It was me. I still had feelings for her. I still care for her but its 98.6% on a friendship level. She talks about the current at length and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m glad that she’s opening up more to me about her and other stuff that’s going on in her life. Although she can be vary harsh at times, I know she does it because she cares and I truly value her opinion.

In other unimportant news, Peach’s Karma came around to her. The new chick she was pursuing dropped her on her ass. It made me feel a little better the other day cause I was really pissed about what happed. But I was talking to her roommate and she told me that I should take what happen as a positive thing cause she’s got issues and I shouldn't be involved with some one like that. I never thought about it like that so I’m not going to trip anymore.

I didn’t feel like being in the house another beautiful day so I woke up this morning, made myself some pancakes and sausage and took my ass to the park to chill out and enjoy the sun. I walked through this one park that was by me and listened to Raheem’s album. While i was walking i saw on of thoes fat green caterpillers and I was so excited...i'm such a nature nerd. Then I tried to find this other park out in Laural. I took me a while but I finally found it. There was a lake with frogs and turtles so you know I was happy. I parked myself under a tree on my Blues Clues fleece blanket and ate my little cranberry almond snack, listened to some more music and read the Decameron. It was so nice just to sit, and I really didn’t have a problem being by myself, I mean how many people do you know that wouldn’t mind sitting in the sun for several hours doing nothing. Today was a me day and I thoroughly enjoyed it.



:amel:

Fools Rush In

I’ve learned from past relationships that I have a tendency to get attached to people very quickly. So quickly that I often don’t give myself enough time to really get to know the person before I’m treating them like my girlfriend. For example, this Peach situation. In all honesty, I’ve only known the girl for a few weeks and I must admit I’m kind of attached. However, not as attached, as I would be if she weren’t acting the way she was. Not talking to me, acting as if I’m not around, getting mad at me for nothing. She’s making my job of distancing myself from her a lot easier, cause for real, I don’t need this and I’m better then some chick who wants me around some of the time. I just feel bad for her cause she’s getting herself into things that she knows isn’t going to bring about any good. But, she’s grown and if she’d rather involve herself in something pointless then, that’s on her. She’s gotta learn. I just hope she knows, I’m not going to stick around to help her put herself back together. She missed out on a good thing

I wanna talk to HoShi about this and see what she has to say. That should be an interesting convo. Our msg board is a big ass orgy waiting to happen, I swear...

:amel:

Being a Bum & Georgia Peaches

I’m trying really hard to enjoying being a bum but I kinda feel like I need to be doing something or out somewhere. I’m realizing that I really don’t like to sit still for any length of time. I say I’m trying to enjoy this time cause I start my summer class in a little over a week and I’ll still be working so I know the amount of time I’ll have to sleep in and sit on the computer all day will decrease drastically.

I had a second interview at the GAP cause I waited too long to call them back. It was really interestingly cause the guy who interviewed me, made me wait 15mins while he was folding clothes…WTF. I was really pissed and wanted to call some one but I thought to myself, he’s probably just watching to see what I do. That’s me always the rational one. So I just waited and when he was finally ready to interview me, he couldn’t find my application. Then he interviewed me in the food court of the mall. It was just an atypical interview. We did however have a conversation about dogs and how he didn’t like animals but he and his partner were getting a Husky and a Rocwiller (sp)….Random but, well see what happens. I really don’t care to work at that one, I just wanna get in with the company and right now, my pinky tow is still in the door.

Some Excitement
On Monday night I have a conversation with Peach and she’s tellin’ me how much she misses me and wants me to be there with her. So I say to her, I’ll come see you Tuesday and spend the night. Tuesday comes and we were going to try and go to the zoo, but that didn’t happen cause we got up late. So I’m all packed and ready to go at 1pm and I close my door and realize that my keys are sitting on the damn table inside! Of course, we don’t have a key anywhere outside the house and mommy is at work with out a cell phone. So, I’m pretty much screwed. I try and get in through a window but the inside locks are on so….no good. All the other windows are no good either so about an hour later I get in through a basement window that magically falls open…YaY. I was so excited. At any rate, I get to Peach’s and she on the computer…and doesn’t get off for another hour and change. I mean, barely greets me. So, as usual, I don’t say anything right away. We end up going out with Epp and get some dinner and before we went home, we picked up some movies. Once we got back to the house…this chick gets back on the damn computer!!! Are you fu@king serous, I mean do you not have someone visiting you right now and your going to be on the computer chattin’ it up with folks. I was pissed. When she finally did get off, she pretty much went right to sleep…oh yea, and I couldn’t touch her cause, “it puts her in her feelings”. OMG, what a waist of time. And I still haven’t talked to her.

I’m one that likes for things to be discussed so that everyone is on the same page, cause I hate for sh!t to happened and ppl think that nothing is wrong. It just real aggravates me cause I don’t know what’s going on in her head right now. I mean is this her way to try and get rid of her feelings for me or is she trying to cut me off or what? I know she’s not stupid and knows that she was wrong, and the fact that we haven’t talked about it is really getting to me, its like she doesn’t care at all. So that was my excitement for the week. I bet I wouldn’t have to go through this bullsh!t with the Artist.

:amel:

PRIDE Weekend

Friday
After missing the 12:50 bus to NYC, I reluctantly took the bus to the train station to catch the 3:20 bus to the city. I switched my ticket over, hopped on the bus and was on my way. Once we got threw NJ, we hit some traffic, serious traffic like sit for 5 min at a time. Our bus driver took us through NJ to get into the city and that tacked on another hour to our trip but I wasn’t complaining. I was just happy to get there at 9. I met LizO at the station and we proceeded to go to Sunshine’s hotel cause there wouldn’t have been enough time to go all the way to Brooklyn and come back to the city. Sunshine and I changed and Nikki having been on a bus for 10hrs just stayed at the hotel room. LizO left to go home and Sunshine and I left for the club. It was more mixed then I expected in terms of the people that were there…white, asian, older, and just strange folk. But it was another good NYC club experience. The dancers were wonderful as expected and I enjoyed the work of Lady Madonna, who’s a dancer from NY. Oh yes, the highlight of the night was when Ms. Oohzee pulled the board’s own Sheena on the stage to have her way with her…So jealous but it was a wonderful sight to see.
Saturday
I didn’t get back to lizO’s house till 7 sat morning and slept a couple of hours. LizO made me some waffles (I love you LizO) and I played with her brothers and sister…aaww, gotta love quality time with the family. I was supposed to go to a party with her later on that night but after doing some talking she said she didn’t mind if I went out with folks from the board. I felt bad but I got dressed and went out anyway. At this point I’m good with the whole subway system and got to Sunshine’s hotel. Peach was there and it was really nice to see her. In a way things were kinda like they were when we all went out to dinner the weekend before, except our feelings were switched. Instead of her wanting to be all over me, I wanted to be all over her but I couldn’t so I just looked pathetic, till I got some liquor in my system then I was fine. There were 11 of us in the hotel and we were just talking and chillin’….good times. Eventually we left and went into the village, but we didn’t get there till midnight…I think. Everyone was so drunk or high at that point no one really knew. We all go on the train and were being extra loud and gay…we had all the white ppl, laughing at us. Once we got down the village we walked down the pier and on the way we bumped into HoSHI and her friends. I was really drunk and wasn’t paying too much attention to her but it was nice to see her and she did look very good. We also saw Sheena and everyone was molesting her like right in the street. We finally got down to the pier but it was closed so 9 of us went back to Sunshine’s hotel, the other 2 went back to their own. OH MAN…sh!t popped off in the hotel and it was fun times. I’ve taken the “what happened in NY stays in NY” oath so I can talk about it. Just know that everyone, all 9 of us that is, had a very good time. I ended up staying there cause by the time people started leaving I didn’t feel like going back to LizO’s
....WoW Saturday *grin*
Sunday
When back to LizO’s at 10am but everyone was gone for church. Since the parade started at noon, I literally had to shower change and leave right back out to meet up with Sunshine and drop my bag off with her stuff, so I wouldn’t have to go back to Brooklyn and pick it up. I felt really bad that I didn’t get to say bye to her family but I did call and talk to her mommy, which made me feel a little better. But, I dropped my bag off with out any issues and met up with Sunshine and Nikki. Saw some of the floats and got a couple of beads. I just wish we all could have been together like the night before, but everyone was spread out. I saw Sunshine and Nikki off then headed down to the village to meet up with everyone else. It took me forever to find them cause the street was all blocked off but I did bump into cute Eb from high school. It’s just something about her that I really like but I doubt anything would happen b/t us. It was still nice seeing her. After 20mins, I found everyone and we walked through the mass of gay people to the pier. I couldn’t stay too long cause I had to go uptown to pick up my bag and get to the train station. I met a couple of other people and saw a lot of cute folks...I LOVE GAY PEOPLE I was going to meet LizO in the village but it would have taken for ever for me to find her so we just met up at the train station. I didn’t get to debrief her about all that happen on Saturday or that day cause my mind was all over the place. I headed to my bus and I saw the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. This man, he looked homeless kinda, was caring this girl screaming at the top of her lungs to put her down through the station. Now, this wasn’t a “I’m not getting my way so I’m going to scream bloody murder”, you could tell that she was in trouble. The thing about it was that everyone just stood there in silence and watched him walk by, no one stopped him. There were 3 police officers that were in the direction he was walking so I can only assume that they stopped him. Or at least, that’s what my mind was telling me. I was really bothered by that and I still see it when I close my eyes. I was horrible. But I got back home safely.

Today I didn’t do much of anything…I talked to Peach last night and apologized for acting stupid and she did the same. Then she sent me a txt talking about I miss my baby, and I honestly didn’t know she was talking about me. I’m getting mixed signals from her and I don’t know what she wants. But I think I’m going to go see her tomorrow. I know it was long but that’s probably the only interesting thing I’ll be able to write about for a while.

:amel:

Are We There Yet!?!

Well, well well. It is 9am on Friday June 24 and I am sitting in my home. You might inquire why I’m still here, being that all that I’ve talked about for the past 3 weeks is my trip to New York. You know, the one in which I was supposed to be leaving for yesterday. Allow me to elucidate you as to why I’m sitting at home. I’m am waiting for my check to arrive at my job so that I can…

a) pick it up cause it wasn’t directly deposited into my account
*mind you I set direct deposit up 3 weeks ago
b) deposit it in my account cause money is essential when traveling
That may not seem like a big deal, to be honest, it really isn’t. It’s just that things have been going right since the beginning of this week for my trip. I’ve lost a day, and now, I probably won’t even get there till much, much later then I anticipated. I could complain about the other little stupid stuff like how I couldn’t sleep last night cause I never do when I get ready to go on trips, I could have worked more this week and other insignificant things that I won’t mention. I just wanna be there, not to mention, I’ve told LizO multiple times when I’m coming and I don’t wanna mess up her daily schedule. AAAAHHHHH…..*sigh*

On a good note, I spent time with Peach on Wednesday. Uncle Robert grilled us burgers that were so good…mmm. I met some one else from the board and laughed at Peach and Toya while they were watching the Floetry DVD and enjoying a bit too much. While there I also got the opportunity to, hold, dance, consume, sing to and touch Peach’s body…and the pleasure was all mine *grin* I look forward to doing it again. From the way things are going in terms of conversation, this looks like this will be another summer thing. I’m ok with that, but we’ll see what happens. She’s talking to other people and so am I but you never know. I finally talked to the artists, which made me very happy. I had been trying to talk to her all week but you are a busy lady. We had a nice brief conversation in which I learned a little more about her. All I can say is that I am very eager to learn more about you.

I think I’m going to go back to sleep cause I’m really tired and I can’t do anything for another 3 hrs. But, I’m determined to have a good day and enjoy the time that I do spend in New York…I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say when I get back

:amel:

(^_^) Summer's Looking UP (^_^)

I haven’t been here in a little while and I was going to give a quick update but before I do, I’m in the process of having a convo with HoShi about visiting her when I come to NY. I wanna see her but her new friend is going to be there and I’m not really anxious to meet her. However, another friend of ours is going to be down there and I’d like to see him. She got mad cause I said I’d come to see him but not to see her. My response was, I didn’t know that you cared. HoShi still isn’t completely out of my system and im not sure if it’s because of the way things ended between us or just because of the nature of our relationship. She still has a way of getting to me and and I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want us to be friends but I don’t know if we’ll ever get there with the wall that she still has up against me and the way I still let her get to me. It perplexes me and I’m at a loss of what to do…

But about that Update…
:WoRK:
Work is cool, I’m finding that how fast and how much I enjoy my shift depends on who I’m working with. If I’m with the black folk, it’s a blast, we laugh, sing talk and my 4 hrs is up in no time. And I usually end up staying a little longer. When I work with the white folk, my shift goes really slow and I’m ready to get out of there as soon as my 4 hrs is up. Haven’t heard back from the gap yet and I keep saying I’m going to call the. I’ll get on it….eventually
:HoMe:
Mommy finally got her check and we went to the grocery store. A week with out food in the house is not the move. My appetite has definitely decreased after that one. And I got to do some much needed laundry…oh it was so necessary. I got my license renewed and its and official horizontal MD license…LOL. I didn’t smile for the first time and I don’t know how I feel about that but such is life. It’s mine till June 2010
:NYC Trip:
Right in tune with the lack of funds, I still haven’t gotten my ticket for my trip. I’ve already borrowed money from my aunt so she was out, mommy didn’t have it goose didn’t really have it and it wouldn’t have got here in time if she sent it. So it looked like I was out of luck till Friday when I get paid. I would just have to pay $65 and just be there for the weekend. But…I called my friend Keshia cause I hadn’t talked to her in a while just to see how she was. I told her about the situation and she was like, how much is it going to be, and I told her. Then she said, I’ll send it western union. I’m like are you serious…she was like I don’t know why you didn’t ask me before. Gotta love friends with funds that can help when you need it. So, I’m going to go get my ticket tomorrow and I don’t have to worry about it. Now, I just need to make sure my direct deposit is set up. NYC HERE I COME!!!!
:SoCial BuTtErFlY:
Well, in the past week, I’ve met several wonderful ladies that I’ve been talking to. 3 from the board and 1 from Downelink. I’m such and internet junkie, I know. I’ve met 3 of them but one lives in PA and I won’t get to do the meet and greet till July when she comes to visit. They are all pretty interesting and they’re all different. I’ve gotten to know one of the ladies very well (in one way *smile*) but the others, I still have a lot to learn. It’s nice to have ppl to talk to. It helps you not to focus on all that’s going on with me and get to know some one else.
This Saturday was out board dinner at Kobe, which was fun. I met some new people and laughed with some previous acquaintances. I didn’t meet Sapphic this weekend either, she’s disappeared somewhere. I’m supposed to go to a concert with her but I got a feeling it’s not going to be happening.
Oh yes, I was told by a new acquaintance of mine that I act as if I don’t care and that I seem as though I’m not a good friend. I was honestly very shocked by this statement and tried really hard to listen to her logic but I was truly put off by it. It all came about because of an IM conversation, and we all know how those can be misinterpreted. I ain’t beat, and that’s all I’m going to say about it.

:amel:

11. 06.04

Yesterday was wonderful I was out like a real grown up…all day. I met up with this girl from high school named Courtney to go to capital pride. We took metro down to Dupont and since we got there a little early we parked ourselves under a tree in the shade cause it was a little toasty. We walk 2 miles in the blazing sun, up new Hampshire Ave over to U street and down Massachusetts in the Dyke March. 500+ gay folk, of all walks of life. I didn’t think about it at the time but it was pretty cool that all those people were out there in support of gay rights. It was an good experience cause I had never done anything like that before. The topless dykes that were behind my friend and I kinda make my stomach turn but it was still cool. That’s one thing about some white folks, they can be really free with themselves, not shaving, wearing or not wearing whatever… I admire it their free-spirtedness. After the march we got Chipotle and this cute chick that I had spotted earlier was there. I kid you not, I would have talked to her but I think she was with her girl and…..she was deaf. I’m sure the communication barrier could have been worked around but, I just watched and admired from a far as usual. After lunch we had, 3 hrs before the parade started so we just sat in the park. It was really nice, I need to do stuff like that more often.

The parade was short but the MC from the edge was there…”the one we call”…Shaquita Lee. There was this random boy vouging and there were floats representing different cultures. Then of course there were politicians, men in leather, church groups, lesbian drummer groups and bands also followed in suite. It was an interesting parade. I’m sure it’s going to be nothing like the one in NYC but I’ll let you know when I see it. Bri and this girl from the board came up to see the parade but couldn’t find parking and caught the tail end of it. Meeting her was and experience because she left a bad impression. I have no desire to get to know her…she was very indecisive and just soured my mood. Bri and I dropped her off all the way in Woodbridge and she and I drove to Adams Morgan to go bar hopping. At this point I had been out since noon, hadn’t been able to change and felt pretty icky but I made the most of it…Actually, I had a blast. I saw a couple of people from high school, spent money I shouldn’t have, found this bar that had great live reggae music, saw a fight and saved Bri from being molested by to foreign guys. The highlight was definitely that reggae spot…gotta go back.

The other highlight was talking to this guy who’s soul purpose for being out there was to get numbers. He was explaining to me how the whole “grabbing of the arm thing” works at getting girls attention. I was thinking to myself that’s a horrible way to get a girls attention. It’s disrespectful and it really doesn’t show that you’re interested. The way some guys operate really pisses me off. They just think that by putting themselves out there that girls are just supposed jump at the opportunity to talk to them. I just shook my head at all the guys that tried to talk to ladies that I went out with.

This has been a long enough entry so I’ll do more later. I wanna go talk to logic

:amel:

Nothing New

I’m working and have been everyday this week at Bath & Body Works. I’ve met most of the staff and they’re mostly black. It’s cool cause I’ve never worked anywhere where most of the employees are. There’s this cute girl that works there who looks really familiar. I’m sure I’ve seen her on BP or downlink or something. I feel kinda weird talking to her for some reason but I’m still new. I get paid on Friday and it couldn’t come any sooner.

It’s all set, on the 18th I finally get to meet Sapphic. We’re going to the zoo and then going out to dinner with some people from the board. I’m really looking forward to it. Of course I’m scheduled to work that day, but I’ll switch with some one, no, big deal. The thing I’m concerned about is not having the cash to go out. This has been the story of my life and I’m sick of it. I just wanna enjoy my summer. But I’m going, no mater what

:amel:

Socialite Funk

Sometimes, a lot of times, I feel like I just don’t measure up to people that are in my age bracket. There’s such a push to be an individual and to do your own thing. I feel everyone is evolving and becoming their own independent person while I’m just stand around watching. All my life, I’ve always wanted to be some one that stood out or some that drew others to me. In primary school, I fell short of that, thus the reason I hated middle and high school. In college, it’s been a little better. Coming home and having down time to think has got me wondering, where do I stand now…Who am I really. Maybe I am that person that stands out to people cause I’m not changing, cause I’m consistent with my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, I’m still lost like most of the other people I wanna be like cause they are constantly changing and don’t know who they are themselves. In either case, I’m still single, don’t have any prospectives (at least that I’m interested in) and feel inadequate.

Just once, I wish a “cool” person would approach and befriend me
Just once, I wish some one I was actually interested in would take interest in me as well
Just once, I wish I wasn’t always pursuing people for their friendship or acquaintanceship for that matter

Granted, I could stop being one who pursues but then I wouldn’t have anyone and that would put me in an even worse funk then I’m already in. HoShi told me about this flaw of mine, how I pursue people no mater what they do to me. At the time, I reasoned that that’s how I’ve been since day 1. I mean there are people in the world that are “callers” and “callees”, people that are pursued and people that do the pursuing. She’s one who is pursued so I guess she wouldn’t have got it anyway….

You know, my social life isn't that bad and I’m not complaining. I mean it could definitely be worse, I’ve been there and done that. My socializing, I guess, isn’t where I’d like it to be. Not necessarily the things I do, but the people I do it with. I feel like things are one sided all the time with a lot of the people i hang out with. I'm going to stop right here, cause if i keep going, i'm going to start complaining and i've done enough of that above

:amel:

Tomorrow is my first official day at Bath and Body Works. I’m real nervous cause I’ve never done retail before. The whole interacting with customers and cash register thing makes me a little nervous. I’m sure after my first two shifts, I’ll be fine. I just have to get used to it. I need to holla at the GAP ASAP cause working 2 days a week is not the move especially with the bill I have coming.

So my mom and I share a gas card. When I first got home she said use it, so I did…4 times. So that’s $90 plus my mom used it twice so that brings the total to $120, not to mention the balance from last month. I don’t even wanna think about it. I see how people can get really stressed out about their bills, It’s not cool to get behind cause then you gotta worry about your credit getting fu@ked up and people calling you twice a week to get their money. I’m just being patient cause I know I have money coming to me, and as soon as I get it, I’m paying that sh!t off.

It really sucks thought cause then its like I’m living to work, not working to live. I just wanna enjoy my summer and not have to put all my funds towards bills and paying people. I’m trying to do too much this summer for me not to have any money. NYC, my room next year and just chill expenses. Damn it, I’m going to Blues Alley before the summer is out, and I’m doing some shopping. I could talk all day about money and how I don’t have it but I think I’ll stop right.........HERE

NC was ok. I didn’t really get to see the city, I just spent time at my aunts house, which was NICE. She had a pond in her back yard and at night, frogs came out. I was tell everyone what kind they were and answering questions. It was pretty cool, I felt knowledgeable about my little specialty.

Nothing of interest is going on. I met Jess and we went to Old town Alexandria. That was nice, cause I had never been. We got chipotle and walked around. I made my first alcohol purchase, even though it wasn’t for me and the check out lady read my ID wrong and thought I was a month off. It was cute, I didn’t get mad or anything I just wanted her to hurry up cause she was asking people about protocol stuff.

I had a convo with Sapphic before I left and that was nice. We talked about Hoshi, which was kinda weird cause we had never really brought her up before in any of our other conversations. She’s a sweetie from what I know thus far. I can tell that she’s young though. Haven’t really talked to Hoshi outside of AIM and txt messages.

Nat and I have awkward convo and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m sure its hard for things to be any type of way considering how our relationship has changed so many times. Something always happens and things turn out right but right now, it’s not looking up. I’m frustrated by this situation but I know I can’t do anything about it so I’m just going to let it ride.

:amel:

-|- Horney Nut Case -|-

Ok so I’ve never in my 5 years of being sexually active wanted sex so bad in my life! This is really pissing me off and I’m turning into a bitter person. This is so not like me. I’ll get it under wraps in a min, once I start working and don’t have the time to sit around and think about it. I mean I’ve been through dry spells before but never like this. Maybe she did get me hooked? I don’t know but sex has been on my mind entirely too much.

I had a blast at Hampton. I got to know Broadway, one of Jem’s good friends and hung out with this cool gay guy named Clay. He can dance his ass off and is hilarious. I can’t wait till I get my pics developed. Maybe I’ll post a couple. I got to go to the beach and I met Jem’s new boyfriend. She always finds the best most respectful dudes. I’m glad she has good relationship luck.

I start work at bath & body works on Wednesday, so I’m enjoying these last few days before I start. I really wanna go visit MeL tomorrow but I don’t know what we’re going to do. And in our states, we don’t need to stay in the house, there’s no tellin’ what I might do.

WHY CAN’T SHE JUST LET ME HOLD HER WHY CAN’T WE JUST FOR ONE DAY GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE LAST SUMMER….AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry, had a moment. Ummm…

Sapphic is playin’ matchmaker and trying to hook me up with this girl from her school. She’s really young and is kinda far, but I think I’ll talk to her a bit and see where her head is at and take it from there. She even put a plug for me on the board. I’m hopping that one goes a little farther then with the other chick. It’s kinda funny that she brought me up to that particular person, cause I had always found her attractive, I just didn’t know what to say. We’ll see how that goes. I kinda wonder what’s going on with Sapphic and HoSHI cause I know all is not well, but I’m not that concerned. Matter of fact I haven’t talked to her since I left Ohio. A couple of txt msg and IM convo’s but nothing in depth. I hope she’s doing ok. I’m sure she’s fine, she’s got plenty of people to keep her occupied. Although, now that we’ve had serious time apart, I wonder what she really thinks about me?

:amel:

>Quick Update<

Today I’m gong to Hampton to visit Jemey for her birthday. Her party was supposed to be at the beach but its definitely pouring. I kinda happy to be going but at the same time, it’s going to be mad ppl there that I don’t know. I’m going to try and be optimistic about it but we’ll see.

The job search is looking up. I had 2 interviews this week and one of them gave me an off already. I’ll be working by this time next week for sure, which will be great cause mommy and I really need the money. I got bills, she’s got bills and we gotta keep our credit is in good standing. Its really stressful thought cause my mom is really behind on stuff and I hate that I can’t do anything about it…But not for much longer

My birthday was ok, pretty much just a typical Wednesday. People called and I got a couple of cards but no big deal. I don’t wanna complain cause I’m grateful to have lived this long. I just wish I could have done something big. Oh well…

Umm, not in the best of moods but hopefully this trip will change it. I hope

:amel:

Ahh Yes..The Joys of Summer

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days about relationships. Not necessarily romantic, just the intimacy portion of it. I was with my friend Scott (she’s a chick) and a semi-mutual friend of ours came by and hung out with us. I had never met her before but Scott had, matter of fact, they did some things back in the day. At any rate, the girl was cute…real cute. We talked the whole day and we re-acquainted ourselves to each other. Being that Scott and her had been together in the past, at the end of the evening when we were watching a movie, they were all hugged up on the couch. As I watched them, I was intrigued but I was also thinking, damn, can I get a cuddle buddy. It was nice to watch but it was short lived. We dropped her off at the station and went to go visit her ex’s. It’s a complicated background but basically, Scott was with Tiff and they broke up. Then she got with this chick named Ty and they broke up. Then Tiff and Ty got together. So it’s a happy (sike) little triangle of love.Tiff and Ty have this nice ass apartment with tiffs granddaddy and we just kicked it over there. Tiff and ty are are affectionate. So once again I was around another couple being all cute. It really doesn’t bother me to be around it, I prefer to actually. It just puts me in a funky mood for a couple of days cause then I reminisce about the past.

I haven’t heard back from Bally’s and I called the guy twice today. I’ll try again tomorrow but I got an app. from the GAP and Boarders. While I was in the bookstore, I saw this book in the psychology section about the art of seduction. On the back, it had 22 steps on how to seduce some one. I thought it was quite interesting and it made me think about how HoSHI told me that I wasn’t sexually aggressive... I know I was in a funky mood cause I actually went window shopping today, I usually hate doing that cause it just puts me in a bad mood cause I can never buy anything. But I guess my psyche just figured, you’re already in a bad mood, might as well humor yourself.

I’ve had several ppl ask what am I doing for my birthday and I just shrug my shoulders and reply, I don’t know. I know an older friend of mine is going to take me out to lunch and Scott was talking about going to the club. What I really want is for someone to just plan something for me. Either way, I’ll be doing something. Usually, I let the day of my birthday be reserved for my mommy, and the evening and the weekend is for me. If I say in the mood I’m in right now, I know I’ll be nice and drunk the whole day.

You leave issues in one place, only for other ones to come up some place else…

:amel:

.:Affectionatly Starved:.

So I’m sitting at home, by myself and the weather report comes on the news… its supposed to thunder storm Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When I think of thunderstorms, my mind wonders back to last summer when I was laid up in the bed with a certain someone. There was one candle for light, a jazz fusion CD was playing in the background and we conversed, touched and teased each other until the wee hours of the morning. I want to do it again, I want to hear the rain, smell the earthy candle and touch her until we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
BUT…I can’t… I can’t do that with anyone and that frustrates me. I am so affection starved, it hurts. My body feels so tight. I just want some one to touch me, out of love, lust, passion whatever. Now, I know that that its unhealthy for me to seek out this affection because I know it won’t truly satisfy me. I have to have patience and wait for the right person and the right time. I know all of this, It’s just a matter of sticking to it…GURRR…

I think this is one of the reasons I don’t like to be by myself. I think too much about the stuff I want or the things and people I miss. If I’m out and about and around folk talking and laughing, I don’t have to think about not being able to shop the way I want or have money to spend as I please or the fact that I don’t have some one important in my life anymore. It’s a means to cope, I guess. These feelings come and go and I deal with them accordingly. It’s just hard when they come up cause I got through this whole frustration, realization confirmation cycle every time. I’m learning and thus far (of late), I’ve only given in once to my feelings. And to be honest I really didn’t cause nothing happened between myself and the person I paid a visit to. It was actually quite awkward and I wished I hadn’t have gone over there. But at any rate, I’m ok, just felt the need to put my thoughts in writing. Better that then tell some one and get my feelings hurt…

:amel:

Meet and Greet

Still looking for work. It hasn’t been a week yet so I’m not stressing yet. I have some good leads so we’ll see what happens at the end of the week. I met MeL this weekend. She rubbed me the wrong way at first and kinda aggravated me but once we drove into DC and pick up her friend, things got better. I don’t know if I was bothered cause we couldn’t really do anything cause of my money situation or what, but we chilled in Dupont and got chipotle so all was well. There’s this other girl I met off BP named Dana and she’s trying to meet up with me as well. She seems mad cool but I don’t click with her like I click with other folks that I’ve met online. We’ll see how I feel after I meet her. Maybe my opinion will change. I’ve seen a lot of Nat since I been home but she wants to do the platonic thing which is fine with me. I just have to make sure that I operate like that and not do the things that I would do for someone that I was interested in. I don’t know how that’s going to go cause she so close to me and the first person I think of to hang out or go out with. I’m more mindful about the time we spend together (a little late I know…) She’s still cool people and I see us being friends for a while.

I’m supposed to be hanging out with Sapphic sometime soon. I’ve been warned against it by some but I’m not trippin’. I know it may be strange but she’s just another chick for real. I mean we have several things in common and common friends and acquaintances so, it’s no big deal. Our meeting will either be cool or it won’t. In either case, we’re grown folk and can handle the situation so I’m not worried. I’m really looking forward to it, plus I’ll get to meet rock-and-soul from the board and I find her intriguing. I just like meeting new people.

:amel:

I’M HOME! The trip wasn’t bad at all either. I went 85mph the whole way and got home before dark. I left later then expected cause I had to catch up w. the L Word…I’m addicted, I admit. HoSHI really pissed me off when I left, but I didn’t leave on bad terms, a least in my mind we didn’t. But I’m not going to worry about that anymore, whatever happens, happens and I’m fine either way…

I registered for chem. I but, it doesn’t start until July. Good news, I can work and travel all of May and June. Bad news, I have to take chem. II at my school and if I don’t pass, I don’t graduate. Ain’t that some sh!t I had to take this placement test…LOL no, LMFAO. I didn’t know anything on it. It had sin and co-sin stuff and some problem with a big sigma. I guessed on over half of that stuff but I passed, by the grace of GOD.

I really missed my mommy. It was nice to see her. I forgot she cut her hair. She looks so cute when it’s short. She’s been doing the work and school thing so we really haven’t had time to talk and spend time with each other. But I’m giving her tonight and we’ll just sit around and talk, she get to see how her daughter has grown and matured. I wonder what she thinks about me and the person I’ve become? I wonder if I were just someone on the street would we be friends?

I’m supposed to be going out with MeL tomorrow. I think we’ll go to Hanes Point cause I’ve never been. I saw Nat yesterday. We got chipotle and watched this weird movie named Donney Darko. Very very strange film. I didn’t like it that much I had no point. After it went off I was like great, there goes 2 hrs of my life I’ll never be able to get back…lol. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that bad, definitely not mainstream.

So, Job hunting. That’s what I’m going to be up to for the next two weeks. And I really don’t care where I work, I just need some money. I’d rather have a desk job cause I’ll make more but burger king will do just nicely.

:amel:

I am so Through!

I’ve reached my saturation point. I’ve been cool, I’ve let sh!t slide but damn it, I’m not a bad person and I don’t deserve this. I was kinda thinking to myself “I wonder if she’s acting this way on purpose, you know just to hurt me like I hurt her”. Several ppl have suggested it but the idea just fell on deaf ears. I would hope that that’s not the kinda person she is but you never know. I guess I’m trying to hard to make something work that just isn’t supposed to. You get upset and cry when ppl cut you off so how do you expect me to act when you put a wall up? I think I’ve done a good job dealing with all you’ve put me through. I’m not one who argues so I don’t see how you’d be upset with me, I don’t see you or talk to you much so I don’t understand how I irk you either. I think I’ve done a lot to try and make this friendship work, but I can only put in so much work before I need some help. I can’t do the job by myself and that’s how I feel.

You have no idea the way you’ve affected me and my thought process and the way I look at things. I mean you had me thinking the way I think and do things was totally fu@ked up. Well you know what, I don’t care what you think anymore, doing what you want me to do isn’t going to make me happy and it’s not going to do anything for building a friendship. I’m not you and I don’t operate like you. I am my own person with my own experience and valid thoughts. I’m not totally giving up, I’m just at that point like if something doesn’t change soon we’re going to stop talking and I know it. And I honestly I don’t think you’d care. You have you’re other women to enhance your ego and entertain you. Losing one won’t harm you.

I tried, I really did and I don’t know what else to do. Like I said I guess I’m trying to save something that’s not supposed to be. This is going to hurt like a b!tch. Can I go home now…

On a happier note…IM FINISHED WITH EXAMS!!! My last paper has been done since Sunday but I’m not happy with it, cause I couldn’t find enough sources. I’ll probably work on it tomorrow after I do my errands. I finally got to go to Avesta’s. Tera took me cause I was hungry and broke, such a bad combination. I had a chi-tini but since it was made with tea, it tasted watered down. They guy just put more bailey’s in it and it was ok.

I was so looking forward to seeing HoSHI today but now… I don’t know anymore. I don’t need this sh!t right now. Nothing was supposed to ruin my day... Where the fu@k is my 99 Bannans!

:amel:

Last 5 days

It’s Friday but it damn sure doesn’t feel like it since I have a final tomorrow at 9am….arg. I’m not trippin’ cause that one less to worry about and a step closer to going home. I don’t think I’ve ever been this egger to go home before, or maybe I have, I don’t know. I think I’m so eager to get back to be with some ppl. Hang out with some old friends and get to know some new ones. I know one think I need to get a job asap, and I’m not even fu@kin’ around this time. I mean if I have to work at burger king then so be it. I refuse to not have money this summer. I wanna go to New York and visit my friend at her appt at Hampton. I’m trying to really chill and have a good summer.

After my exam tomorrow the plan is to do a little drinking and pack, but not for to long cause I have my plant phys exam and I know it’s going to be rough. Not only do I have that on Monday, I also have a cumulative exam in my animal behavior class. How do professors expect you to know and remember all this stuff. I’m not going to b!tch and moan cause after this I’ll only have another 9months with this formal education system and I have my $128,000 piece of paper so that I can make it in the “real world”

No new developments with my consuming women saga. HoSHI and I are cool and I’m operating at about 90% friendship mode, which is good. I wonder what’s going to happen over the summer. Like, are we going talk more, less or is it going to say about where it is now… Only time will tell. I haven’t thought much about how I’m going to deal with Nat when I get home and I don’t think I’m going to. I’m just going to take things one day at a time and we’ll see what happens… MeL and I talked a lot this week, which was cool. She looks like such a church girl in her pics but I know she’s far from it. I’m looking forward to hanging out with her, meeting new ppl is a good thing especially when they are different from the ppl that you usually entertain. It broadens your horizons and give you a perspective different from what you’re used to hearing. For example, there was this cute white girl in my class last semest that was real cool. We're going to hang out on monday before we leave for the summer. I haven't quit figure out if she's fam or not but either way, she's someone that I'd like to include in my social circle. That’s it for the moment, I’m going to try and do the studying thing for the next couple of days, maybe it will pay off…

:amel:

Two Sided Story

DISCLAIMER- This refers to me and does not make references to anyone else but ME
Side I
When you push for something to happen, sometimes you force things to go in a direction that they shouldn’t go and wouldn’t if you had just been patient and waited.
Side II
If you wait too long or don’t push at all you may be seen as a push-over or someone that doesn’t go after what you want.

It’s a double edge sword that must be used with caution. It’s hard to know what to do cause each situation is different and sometimes requires a different technique. Personally, I think I can be very impatient with situations and I just want things to be clear from jump. When they are not, I’m constantly working in the direction of or trying to get things on an equal playing field so that all parties involved, knows what’s on the table. The problem is, most situations aren’t this cut and dry…here in lies my problem.

If I push to hard, I think I may push her away but I don’t wanna sit around while everyone else jumps in front of me. I want her to know that I’m here but that I’m not going to be like all the others little gnats that boost her ego and give her attention. I’m above that and I know I deserve better. I know I need to just allow time take its course cause this situation involves so much. There’s no way that things can be organized into nice little piles so that after a little conversation and some effort, they’ll all be organized in a nice strait row. I’ve made my point and now all I can do is have patience and wait. If I loose her then, I loose her. But with time… things will turn out the ways they should.
PATIENCE

Slightly Ecstatic

My weekend was one of minimalism. I played on the net all day Saturday and drank that night. Sunday I had plans to do big things but I woke up in a defeatist mood cause I didn't do anything the day before. They day got progressively better: my plant phys group and I put most of our presentation together, I went to the senior send off which was really nice and I pushed myself to work on one of my back assignments. I had a brief but entertaining convo w. HoSHI and talked to MeL for 3 hours! It kinda shocked me to but you know how the first cono's are when when meet some one new. At anyrate, I ended up finially finishing my paper and I turned it in this morning...

Which kept the momentum going for today.

I stayed awake in my class operating off 3.5 hrs of sleep...which is a great thing. My group pretty much finished the rest the presentation. And the icing on the cake was being able to go out to the nature preserve and being down at the little creek. The weather was perfect and the walk was so peaceful and calming. Even thought we had to do a little manual labor it was still good times, esp with this being our last class. The presentation is done and I was planning on going to be early but...
LizO came by and kicked it for a while...
which was great cause we hadn't been talking much. So today has just been a really good day. Now, I'm going to finish talking to HoSHI and MeL, take my ass to bed and enjoy 7hrs of sleep...GREAT!

:amel:

=Budding Bohemian=

So I’ve become a Bohemian in my young age. I’ve taken up the interest of culturing myself to the arts; dance, art and music to be specific. I’ve always been interested in it, I've just never been able to research it. When I should be working on one of my 3 outstanding assignments and 2 major papers, I’ve been looking up people such as Nils, Keston and Westdel, Esthero and Richard Bruce Nugent. I came across so may sites over the past 48hrs and I’m dying to go through them all to see what I can find to pique my interest. BUT, I still have 11 days in which I’m supposed to be a student so I’ll keep my new hobby in check till then, or at least I’ll try. One of the things that I found was this site of digital art. Below is one of her creations…
Lisa’s Site

MeL, Interpret this for Me *smile*

I had a good conversation with NAT this evening where some things about my self became a little clearer. The reason I sometimes have a nonchalant attitude is because I don’t wanna become bitter and hardened like some of the other people I’ve met in my life. That’s why I tend to deal with things so quickly. People interpret that to mean that I don’t care but I really am just trying to keep myself from being hurt. Some people put up walls, others shut you out, I just keep on trucking as if it didn’t really happen. I’m mindful of the situation but I don’t let it consume me.

:amel:

Flaws...

Sometimes I think I’m too nice. I go out of my way for others, in hopes that it will strengthen my bond with the person even though it usually doesn’t…depending on the person. I need to stop that cause that’s how I just end up unhappy and doing stuff I don’t wanna do. And then people are often ungrateful and unappreciative and I feel like my efforts just go unnoticed. I’m not necessarily asking to be compensated but just a little gratitude would be nice. I should try a little exercise and be selfish for like a week and only do things that benefit me and no one else. Part of the reason I do stuff like this is just cause I’m just a generous person, I mean there’s nothing wrong being nice to others, I guess I just have to draw a line somewhere... More traits and characteristics about myself that are flawed. Ehh, oh well, life is about learning yourself and that’s what I’m doing. I wonder how many people feel they know themselves pretty well. I know I’m on my way, but I still have a ways to go.

As the last week of school approaches, I have 2 major papers to write. That’s no prob, but then there’s a couple of wayward assignments that I’ve yet to turn in. Today would be a great day to get up on that…but I so would rather just fu@k around on the computer and talk to random people. School…huh…ehh...cute…I finished my last major film paper yesterday so to reward myself I drank. HoSHI came down to do some laundry and was going to go visit the newbe but ended up staying. Our libation of choice… 99 Bananas. We drank with Lianna and entertained her for several hours. We stumbled back to my room at 3am and knocked the fu@k out. It was the best slep we’ve had since we’ve been apart, but it was probably cause of the liquor. I even got up and when to class this morning.

Lianna asked when we were going to get back together along with a couple of other random people. She said that she doesn’t think that we have totally moved on, and I agree…at least I haven’t. Her on the other hand, she hasn’t but is forcing herself to so she won’t get hurt…or at least that’s what I understand. GURRR!!!! We talked on Tuesday about how I felt about her and all that fun stuff and she was shocked by what I said and how I still care…GURRR I say again. I don’t know what she thinks about me and my feelings for her, and I don’t know how much she cares. Sometimes I wanna be good friends and kick it and laugh. Other times I want her to be mine exclusively and other times still, I wanna have nothing to do with her. She affects me so much and I hate that she still has that much control over me. *sigh* I’m good though, I don’t spend too much time thinking about it because I don’t wanna dwell in the past. I’m ready to move onward and upward...kinda

Oh yea, this girl that I’ve know for 4 years sent me this txt talking about her feelings for me haven’t gone a way… I was very shocked and surprised. In short, she was a girlfriend of a friend and when they broke up we continued to talk. We went out a couple of times, did some heavy flirting and had numerous late night convo's but nothing really came of it. They always say when you’re not looking to be in a relationship or don’t wanna be, someone comes along. This should be an interesting and provide a little needed excitement.

:amel:

Profoundness...

I changed my AIM screen name today. I’ve been looking to change it for a couple of weeks. The first time I changed it, I couldn’t log on cause I spelled it wrong…looser. But I successfully changed it and I must say I like the new SN, it’s quite applicable to me and what’s been going on in my life.

I IM’d NAT today to say hi and find out the specifics for her being upset at me. She said some things that got me thinking and I asked myself the Key Question: is there anything I can do to fix what happened? And as usual there wasn’t so I apologized for what it was worth and moved on. Then I got to thinking again, my nonchalant personality had just came shining through. I mean to me, it doesn’t make sense to analyze and beat myself up over something that I can’t do anything about. I’m not going to waste my time or energy cause I have more important things to do then wear myself out mentally. And so…from my semi-insightful conversation with NAT, I came up with a screen name that depicts my “lackadaisical” attitude and my ability to not let things penetrate me to my core. This way, I won’t rot from the inside out like a few other people I’ve come in contact with and had the pleasure of knowing...

I went to the club last night with HoSHI and some other folk. There were one or two decent people there and a whole lot more that were interesting to watch. HoSHI said something pretty truthful last night, most people go to the club to take out sexual frustration and to test themselves. That was so evident by the two girls practically fu@kin’ each other on a wobbly table and the numerous others who were getting’ it in chairs. And of course, don’t forget the token girl fight. I watched it develop from a heated conversation between friends to an aggressive shove from the “angry chick” to the unsuspecting antagonist to swinging fists and hair pulling. It was striking to watch in a weird way.

I volunteered to sleep on the couch cause trying to get some decent sleep in a tiny bed with out being all on some one is practically impossible. Plus it was 6am by the time we got back and I just wanted to sleep…hard... and the couch was the best way to get that accomplished. Life hasn’t been exciting although I have been talking to some new people that have been able to make me smile and take my mind of the mundane. I get paid this week so that will get me out of my funk for a short while. Or at least until I go home to escape from this stressful place where so much has gone on in such a short period of time and changed me forever.

I wonder how long it takes to get some one you loved with all your heart and soul and still care for deeply out of your system…

:amel:

::::Boredom::::

Nothing new to report. 18 days to go. 3 papers and 3 exams left. I thought I was going to be working with my aunt this summer but that fell through. So I’ve been looking on washingtonpost.com to find a decent paying job. I’ve found a couple of places to send my resume so we’ll see what happens.
Crystal is exhibiting her hats tonight for the senior art show, so I’ll be going to that. HoSHI is in a fashion show later on in the evening, and I'll be at that. I woneder if her friends are being nice to me just cause or if they genuinely like me. If I had some cash I’d suggest going to Afterhours tonight, which is this little hole in the wall spot were ppl that can’t get into Paradise go at like 2am. Sometimes it’s cool and other times its wack. I just kinda feel like clubbin’ for some reason.
I’ve been in my room so much lately. Just on the computer doing nothing. I don’t even chill w. LizO anymore. I don’t chill with much of anyone for that matter…

I NEED SOME EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE...

I can't sleep...

I went to class this morning ran some errands and came back and took a pretty long nap. I'm doing a presentation for my film class so i had to go watch this long a$s asian film...i mean like 3 hrs long. It was good but then i had to meet afterwards to talk about it so i didn't get back to my room till like 12:50ish. I talked to HoSHI for a bit on the phone and got ready for bed. Then she called me back and we talked for a while and now i can't sleep. Not because of anything we talked about or anything, i'm just mad awake. I rarely have moments like this where i can't sleep. It sucks cause i really wanna go to sleep...

:amel:

Blogs are EVIL!!

You know, i find it really funny that ppl get upset when they find out that some one has been consistently reading their blogs. People are nosey and want to know as much about others without investing anytime in the person and a blog is the just the way to that. So, I say to those who are pissed about ppl reading there blogs...
GET A FU@KING PEN AND PAPER AND STOP PUTTING YOUR PERSONAL BUSNIESS ONLINE FOR EVERYONE TO READ YOU IDIOT! I just thought that was common sense but then again, not everyone has that wonderful little tool.
At any rate...
I'm on mission to find a job before i get home. I thought i was going to work with my aunt at her Physical Therapy Office but that fell through. Now i have 21 days to find something full time during the day. I can do it...right? I sent in the application for summer school and mommy is going to register me for classes since i'm not going to be in the state. I really hope all this works out, i mean financially and schedule wise.

Umm...i got a few random things running through my mind right now, nothing of great importance. I'm kind concerned about my health. The last few weeks of school i always stop eating or get sickly. Frankly, i'm sick of the food options and just choose not to eat. I don't have any pressing work this week, so i'm going to try and do the "productive student" thing and work ahead. It's a good plan, we'll see how it works.

I spent time withHoSHI and another former couple yesterday which was nice. I like when the 4 of us hang out cause even though none of us are together, we don't treat each other like we're just friends. She even stayed over after she went to the club. Neither one of us slept well but it was still nice to have her there. Her little friend from VA is hilarious, ppl do some crazy things...

HoSHI and Ms. Greene are together now...kinda. They don't know what they are but they are in love and that's all that maters. I'm really happy for the both of them, and it seems like things are going to work out well. I mean they do have a 2 year friendship established, so their relationship can only go up from there. Im sure it sounds strange but i really wanna met her. I want to know the person that makes HoSHI so happy. I wonder how she'd feel about that...i wonder how they both would feel about that...

:amel:

Ahh...Spring is Here!

This has been one of the most enjoyable weekends I’ve had in a while. Even though I was by myself most of the time, it was still good. My 9am class got canceled on Friday so I only had one class at 11am. The weather was beautiful and I did a little shopping, FINALY! Friday night I went to my friends surprise b-day get together. It was an alright time cause I wasn’t on my campus, I got a little liquor in my system and the distraction was there…*grin* Saturday, I sat out in the sun all day watching the rugby games with LizO and some other black folk. It felt good to just do nothing and enjoy the weather. I didn’t do anything thing that night. Today I went to the lab and I’m supposed to be hosting a prospective student, but I wasn’t assigned one. I’m hopping that I don’t get one, but my name is on the back up list… I have to go to work tonight anyway.

The weather definitely made the weekend but HoSHI was still on the brain. The weekends are always difficult not being with her but that’s just something I gotta get used to. And it’s not like we don’t see or talk to each other, its just not as frequent. To my knowledge, things are cool between us. I’m not sure if all her anger towards me is gone but from our last visit, it doesn’t seem like it’s at the forefront of her mind.

:amel:

Weathering the Storm...

My official count is 28 days, I’m ready, I’m so ready to be back in that place where I can hop on public transportation and go some place and sit and chill. Where the women are beautiful and unique and not white. Where I can work and shop at H&M. Where my mommy is, HOME. Ahhh, I can’t wait. But until then I have to keep up with this little job of mine called school.

I was so stressed out on Monday, OMG, I didn’t think I was going to make it. I finally cried, I mean really cried. Like cryed so loud that my room mates could hear me. I didn’t do my paper and I missed part of class cause in my state of anguish, I set my alarm wrong. It was rough but talking to PRisS helped me out a lot. HoSHI and I talked for the last time for a while. We need time to disassociate ourselves from the 7-month relationship we were just in so that we can be friends again. I look forward to when we speak again and even more, when we see each other. I just hope that this separation doesn’t harden her heart even more towards me. I need her in my life and hopefully during this time, she will see that I’m important to her. Whatever the case may be, I just want HoSHI to be healthy and happy. If that means that I can’t be in her life, then so be it, but I pray that that’s not the case…

I got paid today and I can finally get some CHIPOTLE! I’ve been craving it since Sunday after I saw Sin City which by the way was quite an entertaining movie. I’m going to get it tomorrow cause I wanna enjoy it w. friends and all our schedules don’t work for today. I’m also trying my best not to use my limited funds to support my bad habit…We’ll see how that goes.

Right now I’m exhausted and I’m going to sleep for a while. I have to go to a movie tonight for film and do some more writing…


:amel:

What's on my Mind...

Plans for the weekend:
SAT
Edit seminar document -:- Boys rugby game -:- Play with the frogs -:- Take a nap -:- Paper? -:- Play/Drink ?
*the last two are interchangeable
SUN
Sin City w. HoSHI -:- paper -:- Suba Meeting -:- PAPER and work

So as you can see, my weekend is jam packed with excitement! At any rate, nothing new is going on. Went to a play yesterday with LizO and some friends. PRisS is gone for the weekend and when she comes back she’ll be a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. Umm…. yea

HoSHI got sick on Wednesday and I took her some stuff on Thursday. I brought clothes to stay but she was better then I thought so I didn’t. Plus I felt uncomfortable and having to sleep on the couch was not the move…..eh, such as life.

I’m affectionately starved and I hope I don’t go trying to get it from random ppl, well one of the 2 possibilities on campus. I know I won’t b/c neither of them are who I want but still, times is hard.

:amel:

On Deaf Ears...

I just had a conversation with HoSHI about love. Her heart has been so hardened as a result of her past relationships, mine included. As of right now, I have a lot of things to say in regards to her feelings but I don’t think she would receive it the way she would as if a close friend said the same thing. Partially because we just got out of a relationship and because I’m a one of the caused some of her pain. I just feel like my points aren’t valid to her. I’m not quite sure why but I don’t wanna assume…

Every time we engage in a discussion, I’m constantly being told, “I don’t understand” and “don’t assume that you know me”( I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR SEVEN MONTH’S, HOW COULD I NOT KNOW YOU!) and at the end I’m kinda like, “well damn, I guess she told me”. I shouldn’t feel like that at the end of a conversation, or at least not all the time; I wish just one time, she could feel that way after talking to me. I listen because so that I might know her better and that’s what friends do. They listen so that they can help you if you’re having issues or sometimes just to be an ear. I want our friendship to be one of strength but it’s so hard when our conversations feel like she’s always on the defense.

I love this girl with all my heat and all I wanna do is be a good friend to her. I want to listen when she needs someone to listen, give advice when she needs it and help her out if she’s in a tight spot. She’s has challenged me in more ways then I could imaging and I like how I look at things differently as a result of having her in my life. I wish that she felt some type of positivity from me cause right now, I don’t know if she does.

:amel:

Just the Same...(yes!!!)

So, I didn’t get my 2 days but I feel a lot more at peace then I did a couple of days ago. I just can’t help it, people change my mood, that’s just me. When I saw HoSHI on Thursday, it was one of the best visits we had in a long time. We had good convo, and we were playing and all that good stuff that friends do. I ended up staying the night and although there was no cuddling or touching it was still a good visit.

She went out on Friday with ms. Maxwell and I really wasn’t bothered by it at all. I mean we aren’t together, why should i be upset? LizO and PRisS weren’t very happy about it and were convinced that I was lying about not being pissed. Ms. Maxwell behaved in her typical way and by the end of the night HoSHI was threw with her. She came and stayed with me that night which made me very happy cause I must admit, I would have been a little bitter if she stayed with Maxwell. She was supposed to go HoSHI’s party the next day and had us waiting for her to come back from her rugby game till 5pm. She ended up not even going. Gurrr…

We got back to her school and chilled out for a bit after picking up chipotle (mmmm). I got in a funky mood for like 30mins and wasn’t going to spend the night like I had planed. We had been spending the typical amount of time together and it was hard to keep my feelings in check, I mean we weren’t together anymore. I knew that there were certain things that I would not be privileged to, but it doesn’t keep my mood from changing because I don’t get those privileges, and I’m not talking about sex. Eventually I was cool and I ended up staying cause the party was pretty good. We got up this afternoon and were going to go to the movies but we went out to eat instead.

As long as things stay like this, I think that we’ll establish a solid friendship. I wouldn’t quite say that things are 100% normal cause its only been a week but so far so good.

I like when HoSHI talks about SaPPphiC.

...CHaOs aNd InSaNiTY...

Blogs are such interesting things. Some people use them as a place to vent or express their feelings. Others use them to convey a msg to some one, and others still use them as a tool of procrastination. I've read a couple of them and talked to some people and It seems like everyone is going through a rough time. School, work, friends, family and relationships are out of control. And I am not exempt of the chaos.

I JUST WANNA ESCAPE…FROM EVERYTHING

From school, from people, from work and from thinking and analyzing. I haven't been at peace in such a long time and I don't know if i will be anytime soon or where I could go about finding it. It’s foolish and unreasonable to think that there could be some one to come a long and fix everything… I mean sh!t like that just doesn’t happen. Ideally, I should be able to find inner peace in the positive things that are going on in my life. You know, just divert my attention to the good and not focus on the bad.

Through the little reflection I've done in the past couple of hours, I come to the conclusion that I'm not an independent person, by any means. I mean I knew that before, I just accepted it as one of my characteristics. Not everyone can be a leader…but at any rate, I always need someone in my life to validate what I do. Whether it's a friend, a person I want to be my friend or some one I'm interested in.

I just feel like I’m standing at a crossroad in my life and for the first time there is no one there for me to consult with about my next move. I mean I know what's best for me to do but I'd so much rather just sit in the middle of the road until some one comes along that I can talk to before I choose my path. I know, I know... I can't survive in this world if I don’t do things for myself but i was so happy in my comfort zone and I'm not quite ready to leave it. I just need to man up and go out on that scary weak limb all by myself cause I know that I'm not always going to have some one by my side…case and point.

Before I can take that first step though, I desperatly need some me time, just 2 days were I can’t talk to any one and I can’t get on the net. I need it for my own sanity cause if I don’t, I think, no… I know I’m going to crack.

:amel:

School...

So the most important thing on my plate right now are my two exam's I have tomorrow. The one I'm not really worried about is my one in film. The major one is my plant physiology exam that I have at 1:10 tomorrow afternoon. It's one of those exams you could study forever for but never fully grasp anything. Oh well, I'll just study till I can't study any more and call it a night. I just need a good 5 hrs of sleep and I'm cool. I had another exam in my animal behavior class today...which was surprisingly a breeze.

Today has been good. I still haven't hit my wall yet and I'm not quite sure if I will. It may happen after I give her back all her stuff on Wednesday, but I'm not going to worry about it. She made me smile and we're on good terms, which is very important considering we want to re-establish and maintain a friendship.

Just a brief break, now about that studying....

:amel:

Untitled

This was somthing that i wrote the other day. Eventhough i haven't written in a while, this will kinda update you all to what's been going on. This all stemed from a conversation with mr. green...

Sigh… This relationship thing is crazy. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster with this woman. I love her to death but my actions have caused too much damage. On one hand I really just want everything to work out between the two of us. I want her to love me for who I am and not hate me for my mistake. I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I did to our relationship and to her. I want to do all the things to show her that I'm not a cheater and I'm a good person to be with. I know that what I'm asking is going to take time and I'm willing to be patient.
In the same breath, our relationship has taken its toll on the both of us. I'm not loved, appreciated or feel cared about. Talking is hard and being around each other is awkward. Especially since she just spent time with the girl that she thinks is wonderful. I can’t compare to her cause I’m just that girl that slept with some one else. She’s the girl that can do no wrong. She looks the way she wants and she is some one she loves to spend time with. That’s what I should be, that's what I wanna be, I'm her girlfriend. She's just so happy where she is in her life and I'm not some one that makes her happy any more. I feel like I just bring her down.
I just thing that we should just part ways. This will give her time to decide what she wants with out having to worry about us. She can think and do as she pleases, with out being attached to me. If its meant to be, then it's meant to be and we will be together when its our time. Right now I think we're too far gone for things to get better. Our relationship is not going to be like was for a long time and perhaps if we spend time apart she will remember how things were and want that again. I'm so torn cause I just wanna stick it out, however, it hurts. It hurts to know that no matter what, I will always be looked at as just a cheater. And it hurts to know that I'm not what she wants right now. I love her with all my heart and soul, but I think we need to be apart so that no more damage is done and we can still be friends at the very least.

And that's exactly what happened. We are no longer together. So much has to change. As of right now i'm fine with it cause i know that's what we need. I'm sure as time goes by things will get really difficult.

:amel:

Feeling much Better....

I slept for 12hrs yesterday and I feel so refreshed. Maybe I should try getting sleep more often. I mean besides the fact that I fell asleep in my 9am class this morning, I feel just fine...LOL. I was just so exhausted from the school work, drama and other things, I just need to be by myself and catch up on some much needed sleep.

So, the birthday plans are set, as of right now we're going to CANADA next weekend for LizO's 21st birthday. I'd like to be excited but I know I don't have the money to go. I get so upset at the fact that I never have money, and it seems like everyone else around me does. I wanna be able to shop and go out instead of staying in and complaining all the time. It's hard to be content with having nothing. At any rate, I really just want LizO to be happy and enjoy her 21st birthday, besides, who could pass up CANADA.

I got HoSHI's first gift yesterday. I really wanna give it to her early but I'm going to try and keep it till at least valentines day. Besides valentines day and LizO's birthday, there's -:-iNErGi's-:- birthday, my aunt's birthday, step show, I have a couple of exams and a proposal due for class and my 6th month Anniversary is at the end of the month. This month is a busy one.

-:-amel-:-

Ooo Weee.....

My day has been full of gurrrr's and ahhhh's and ..... This has been one of those days you just wanna leave everything and sleep all day till the next. I told myself earlier that i was going to disappear for a week so i can get myself together, school work wise that is. I just don't want this semester to be a repeat of the last and from the looks of things, it's slowly going in that direction. I have group work, research and flash cards to do, and let's not think about next week. Oh yes.. EXAMs. I need to release some stress in a non-destructive way... i'm sure that would make my little body feel a lot better.

My weekend was ok. I hung out with the girls on friday till like 3, then HoSHI came at like 6am from a part at Bowling Green. We got up and looked for shoes for me for the black and white affair. LizO came with us and bought 6 shirts and a pair of shoes. She always finds stuff. I found what i was looking for too so it wasn't bad. The Affair was ok, it was nice to see ppl dressed up. Most ppl had on black but a couple, including myself, had on white. Sunday, HoSHI and I went to this Chinese buffet. It was edible but not on the top of my list. I came back to school for work and became engulfed in drama w. LizO's birthday surprise. People don't know how to say what's on their mind, while other jump to conclusions and just fu@k everything up. There is no reason, that LizO and Q should be upset with each other because of birthday plans. It's really complex and i don't feel like explaining. I just want everyone to be happy and it really isn't too much to ask in this situation. I feel like I could have kept it from escalating to where it is but what's done is done.

Ok, i'm going to see my baby cause i don't wanna be here and she needs me. I just wish i had a pack of cigarettes to join me on my trip...

:amel:

Continuation...

Today was another long day spent in the prestigious science center. I’m telling you, they just need to put dorm’s right next to that building cause I’m always there. I took a long ass nap after I got back at 7. The plan was to wake up at 8ish, do some work till Real World, watch it and come back to the room and finish up my work… What happened in actuality was that I slept till 10, and watched tv till 11:30, then I fu@ked around on the computer till 12am. My sleep schedule is so, so, so messed up. And I still have to finish this damn lab.

I watched Real World in PRiSS’s room and when I knocked on the door, LizO was there. I wasn’t expecting that and I had just woke up so I was a little thrown off. I knew that it was bound to happened but I feel like LizO and I are growing apart. Her and PRiSS are always together and I don’t see or talk to LizO often. I knew this was going to happen cause of the greek thing but for a while I thought it wasn’t going to. Last semester we still talked and hung out but now, when you see one, you usually see the other. Now, I know this is petty but another one of my issues are friendships. Go back in time w. me…LOL

When I was in elementary school I had a best friend in the 3rd grade and she was Japanese. I went to her house after school, we at lunch together and sat with each other during assembly’s. This white came along and started hanging out with her too and we kinda grew apart cause she began spending more time with her then with me. It crushed me and I was bitter for a longtime.

Friendships are really important to me cause I use my friends as outlets for when I’m stressed, to share things with, to get advice…you know, the typical friend things. I had a similar experience to the one I had in elementary school in high school. The only difference was that we just grew apart on our own, I was so hurt cause I no longer had that one person that I could rely on to stand by me no matter what… So the notion that LizO and I are growing apart kinda worries me cause I don’t wanna lose her as a friend. I don’t wanna think about it cause I kinda feel like I’m looking into this too much. However, if it did come to that, I don’t think I’d be as devastated because I have HoSHI to be there for me. I’d still be hurt though.

I have more but this one is already too long. I’ll just write tomorrow or, I may just add another one before I go to sleep. I got a lot on my mind.

:amel:

Call me Optimistic...

Yesterday was a good day. I was productive, got to chill with some friends and the wifey spent the night. We’ve gotten so used to staying up so late, we got in the bed at 1:30 but stayed up and talked till 3. She get’s to sleep in but I have class in another 30mins. Now I’m not going to see her till Thursday and I can’t even spend the night. I have to take some friends down to HoSHI’s school for a greek event….*sigh* I wish I could do the greek thing, my grades aren’t good enough and at this point I’m going into my last year of college, I don’t think it would be a good idea to become greek in your last year, just my personal opinion.

I wanna be your friend and I wasn’t trying to down play your feelings. I just didn’t know what they were cause you hadn’t told me. I know everyone deals with everything differently and I been through enough with you to know how you deal with some things. It’s just that in the midst of everyone trying to protect their hearts and defend themselves, your thoughts and feelings were not expressed. I’m not saying that everything is going to go back to normal right away, I have no problem giving you space and time, but like I’ve said before to you, I’ll be here when you’re ready, as a friend who genuinely cares about your wellbeing. I think it will take some time but I know that a friendship with you can work and not interfere with my current relationship. Call me optimistic, but I’m confident that it’s possible.

I’ll continue this a little later…

Life Lesson

She wrote in her blog about the situation. I read it and I was glad that she came to a conclusion. I know that she had been dealing with a lot between HoSHI and myself. All the conversations, questions and mental investment put into the situation. This was the case for everyone actually. I'm glad that we have all said what we need to say and are our way to moving on and putting this in the past.

This weekend was great. I was with HoSHI from Thursday at 3pm till today at 5pm, excluding class. All the time I spent with her was wonderful, even thought we didn't do much. I realized how important she is to me and I feel like something is missing when she's not here. We have been through some serious things in the past 2 months. I know if we can make it through this, everything else will seem down hill.

We had a really good convo while I was at work about how important she is and why people like her so much. She's so humble to the point that she doesn't see what others see in her, she doesn't even notice how special she is. During this conversation, my eyes were opened to how I'm so blessed to have met a person like her and to have her love me the way that she does. Her friend was right, there aren't a lot of ppl in the world like my baby and I'm going to do whatever is in my power to keep her in my arms and no one else's. I can't be so nonchalant about how much I care for her cause some one will come and snatch her away if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm am so curious to see what else I can learn from her and see how our relationship will grow in the future.

HoSHI also brought up a valid point about this other woman in my life and our so called relationship. I have a tendency to let people run over me, do and say what they want and I sit back and do nothing. I don't know how to assert myself and be ok with people not being my friend. It's kinda sad that I'm just now realizing this at the age of 20 but, better late then never *shoulder shrug*. It's time for me to not be complacent with stagnant relationships in my life. I need to say what's on my mind, and not hold my tongue just because I may lose a friend cause those aren't the friends I need to have in my life

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH OF YOU
:amel:

Fall to Pieces...

Well… I decided to stop being so selfish and I told HoSHI the truth about what happened over break. It’s all thanks to Ms. Priss who reminded me that I have a conscience and LizO for being my voice of reason. I just knew that as soon as I told her what happened, that it would be over. I’d lose her for good, as a friend and as companion. I even made a list of reasons why I should and shouldn’t tell her but on Monday I finaly found the balls to be honest and tell her…
SOMETHING SHE ALREADY KNEW!!!
She told me that she knew I wasn’t telling her everything the first night we talked. I had no idea that she knew, honestly. I was surprised when she told me she did. I was thinking to myself, "why didn’t you just say something? I would have told you asap" But I guess that defeats the purpose of the whole honesty portion of the relationship. The only reason I didn’t say anything was because I knew I’d lose her. I know that’s a bad reason not to tell her, but it was what was going through my head. At any rate, things went a lot better then I thought….WAY BETTER. She’s going to give me another chance and we’re going to work through this. I’m so glad cause even thought she had reason to leave, I would have been devastated to lose her. She’s been such a big part of my life for the past 5 months and I’ve learned so much from her. She’s said before that I’d get over it quickly but I don’t know how true that is.

THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME IN YOUR LIFE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

So outside of all that fun stuff, I’m sick, which is making everything harder. I’ve missed 1 day from 2 class and I haven’t done any work. I don’t wanna do sh!t… all I wanna do is sleep. And it’s supposed to snow for the next 3 days…WTF. This weather is not conducive for my recovery.

We’re supposed to be having a party on Friday. All I have to say is jello-shots and twister…Need I say more. I hope it goes as well as planed. As long as certain ppl don’t show up, things should run smoothly.

:amel:

It Never Ends...

What do you do when some one who loves you and that you love in return, points out one of your flaws? If you’re me, you listen and take what they say to heart but at the same time, slowly feel more and more inadequate with yourself. I’m aware of my flaws, especially the one that was pointed out to me this morning. I had more difficulties with it in high school then I do now, so it really doesn’t come up unless some one of importance is involved.

I can’t help it that for some ppl, I will go out of my way to accommodate them, even if it means compromising myself. That’s how I’ve been for a while now. It’s not something I’m proud of but like I said, it doesn’t occur often. When it does, it’s second nature to me so I don’t think twice about it, until someone brings up the fact that I’m being taken advantage of or that I’m putting what I want aside to make some one else happy. I operate this way to avoid confrontation. If I can keep someone important to me around by doing things there way, then that’s fine by me.

I just don’t like to think about stuff like this. It makes me take a step back and look at myself. I’m not upset, but who likes their cards pulled. I don't anylize myself, why do you have to?

I’m going to bed….

Blah...

Everyone went to the conference yesterday and now it’s only 4 black folk left on campus that I associate with. They won’t be back till Sunday, which sucks cause now I have nothing to do. As always in the first couple of weeks of school, there isn’t much work to be done. I don’t even have all my books yet, so i can't really do anything anyway. I definitely slept from 4pm to almost 8 just cause I didn’t have anything to do.

During my nap, I had a dream about her. I can’t believe that she still affects me the way that she does. I don’t quite feel that our friendship is stable but I’ll take what I can get. I’m so perplexed.

I wish HoSHI was here. I’ve been missing her a lot. I think its because I know I can’t talk to her when I want to. And when I do talk to her, we’re constantly interrupted by people, no service and other disturbances. It’s very aggravating. I’ll be happy when she gets back.

Nothing else is going on, my classes are boring for the moment, I have no one to kick it with and it’s been raining for the past 2 days. I’ve gotta get out of this awkward mood. I need sex…that would definitely get me out of my mood real quick….LOL

Guess who's Bizzack...

I’m back in Ohio on the grind. I don’t have my books yet but if I was, I’d be reading my little a$s off. My trip back was a slow one, it seemed to take forever to get out of MD. I drove w. ms. maxwell again and she was on the phone with somebody talking about the dram that happened over break, something along the lines of MARRIAGE!!!!. WTF, you are clearly 19, and you don’t even love the guy. You were just trying to help him out to get a green card! I’m telling you some ppl just don’t think things through, but who am I to past judgment…

HoSHI got to OH before I did so when I arrived around 7ish, she came to see me. The visit wasn’t awkward like I thought it might be. We actually picked things back up quite nicely. It was good to see her of course. She stayed with me Saturday and Sunday and we got to spend some good quality time with out having school work or other sh!t going on. Saturday night we hung out the house w. LizO and PRISS. Sunday, we stayed in bed all day...ahhh just like old times. We were going to go out but neither of us had gas or money so we opted to listen to music all day and sleep. We did end up going out at 9 to see Derrick’s new apartment and to see Zae. We watched the L word till 2:30…good show. We mad a walmart trip and then commenced to crash at 4ish. She’s currently at a conference and she’ll be there all week. Unfortunately she doesn’t have reception so we won’t be talking much.

I think I’ve reached a new point in the relationship where I’m comfortable with it and her. I know her personality, she knows mine and we know how to deal with each other. We know what battles to pursue and we know which ones to let go. I’m learning and growing and I want to make her happy.

I’ve been to all my classes and this semester looks like I’m going to have a sh!t load of work to do. All three of my science classes have major group projects that the class is centered around. That’s good because work can be split up but bad cause it’s a lot of research that needs to be done. I’m looking at them with the most optimistic attitude cause I’m going to do well in all of my class!

I hung out with LizO, DAME, PRISS and Cliferton yesterday. Only LizO and DAME were doing any shopping, the rest of us went for company and just so we could go out. Now DAME’s sexuality is always in question cause he is a very VERY feminine man yet he swears up and down he’s not. Yesterday was my first time every really hanging out with him. We went into Express and I tell you, I’ve never in my 20 years of life ever been so entertained by anyone’s shopping style. This man was so indecisive, he didn’t listen and after 2hrs, he only left with a shirt. Being out with them was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Not to mention all the gay jokes that were being thrown around by LizO and PRISS. I just sat back and soaked it all up, being that LizO and PRISS are strait. Once we got back to the house, we make cake brownies and played monopoly. I’ve never really played monopoly but it was hilarious! PRISS was tell folk when others landed on their property and didn’t pay. No one could get a whole block of property, we were auctioning off sh!t at double the value just so we could by houses. We played until 2 the we went back to our respective places.

Today is Nita’s birthday so I’m going to go out there and celebrate with them. I figure it’s best for me to play while I can before I’m so swamped with work to do anything. The gas card is working so I’m bout to fill up and be out. I’m also going to stop by TARGET, Finish Line and this gym to fill out applications. Getting a job is so necessary. This has been entirely too long so I’m going to stop. I just might write later though…

:amel: