.:Affectionatly Starved:.

So I’m sitting at home, by myself and the weather report comes on the news… its supposed to thunder storm Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When I think of thunderstorms, my mind wonders back to last summer when I was laid up in the bed with a certain someone. There was one candle for light, a jazz fusion CD was playing in the background and we conversed, touched and teased each other until the wee hours of the morning. I want to do it again, I want to hear the rain, smell the earthy candle and touch her until we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
BUT…I can’t… I can’t do that with anyone and that frustrates me. I am so affection starved, it hurts. My body feels so tight. I just want some one to touch me, out of love, lust, passion whatever. Now, I know that that its unhealthy for me to seek out this affection because I know it won’t truly satisfy me. I have to have patience and wait for the right person and the right time. I know all of this, It’s just a matter of sticking to it…GURRR…

I think this is one of the reasons I don’t like to be by myself. I think too much about the stuff I want or the things and people I miss. If I’m out and about and around folk talking and laughing, I don’t have to think about not being able to shop the way I want or have money to spend as I please or the fact that I don’t have some one important in my life anymore. It’s a means to cope, I guess. These feelings come and go and I deal with them accordingly. It’s just hard when they come up cause I got through this whole frustration, realization confirmation cycle every time. I’m learning and thus far (of late), I’ve only given in once to my feelings. And to be honest I really didn’t cause nothing happened between myself and the person I paid a visit to. It was actually quite awkward and I wished I hadn’t have gone over there. But at any rate, I’m ok, just felt the need to put my thoughts in writing. Better that then tell some one and get my feelings hurt…

:amel: