My day has been full of gurrrr's and ahhhh's and ..... This has been one of those days you just wanna leave everything and sleep all day till the next. I told myself earlier that i was going to disappear for a week so i can get myself together, school work wise that is. I just don't want this semester to be a repeat of the last and from the looks of things, it's slowly going in that direction. I have group work, research and flash cards to do, and let's not think about next week. Oh yes.. EXAMs. I need to release some stress in a non-destructive way... i'm sure that would make my little body feel a lot better.
My weekend was ok. I hung out with the girls on friday till like 3, then HoSHI came at like 6am from a part at Bowling Green. We got up and looked for shoes for me for the black and white affair. LizO came with us and bought 6 shirts and a pair of shoes. She always finds stuff. I found what i was looking for too so it wasn't bad. The Affair was ok, it was nice to see ppl dressed up. Most ppl had on black but a couple, including myself, had on white. Sunday, HoSHI and I went to this Chinese buffet. It was edible but not on the top of my list. I came back to school for work and became engulfed in drama w. LizO's birthday surprise. People don't know how to say what's on their mind, while other jump to conclusions and just fu@k everything up. There is no reason, that LizO and Q should be upset with each other because of birthday plans. It's really complex and i don't feel like explaining. I just want everyone to be happy and it really isn't too much to ask in this situation. I feel like I could have kept it from escalating to where it is but what's done is done.
Ok, i'm going to see my baby cause i don't wanna be here and she needs me. I just wish i had a pack of cigarettes to join me on my trip...
:amel:
31 January 2005
26 January 2005
Continuation...
Today was another long day spent in the prestigious science center. I’m telling you, they just need to put dorm’s right next to that building cause I’m always there. I took a long ass nap after I got back at 7. The plan was to wake up at 8ish, do some work till Real World, watch it and come back to the room and finish up my work… What happened in actuality was that I slept till 10, and watched tv till 11:30, then I fu@ked around on the computer till 12am. My sleep schedule is so, so, so messed up. And I still have to finish this damn lab.
I watched Real World in PRiSS’s room and when I knocked on the door, LizO was there. I wasn’t expecting that and I had just woke up so I was a little thrown off. I knew that it was bound to happened but I feel like LizO and I are growing apart. Her and PRiSS are always together and I don’t see or talk to LizO often. I knew this was going to happen cause of the greek thing but for a while I thought it wasn’t going to. Last semester we still talked and hung out but now, when you see one, you usually see the other. Now, I know this is petty but another one of my issues are friendships. Go back in time w. me…LOL
When I was in elementary school I had a best friend in the 3rd grade and she was Japanese. I went to her house after school, we at lunch together and sat with each other during assembly’s. This white came along and started hanging out with her too and we kinda grew apart cause she began spending more time with her then with me. It crushed me and I was bitter for a longtime.
Friendships are really important to me cause I use my friends as outlets for when I’m stressed, to share things with, to get advice…you know, the typical friend things. I had a similar experience to the one I had in elementary school in high school. The only difference was that we just grew apart on our own, I was so hurt cause I no longer had that one person that I could rely on to stand by me no matter what… So the notion that LizO and I are growing apart kinda worries me cause I don’t wanna lose her as a friend. I don’t wanna think about it cause I kinda feel like I’m looking into this too much. However, if it did come to that, I don’t think I’d be as devastated because I have HoSHI to be there for me. I’d still be hurt though.
I have more but this one is already too long. I’ll just write tomorrow or, I may just add another one before I go to sleep. I got a lot on my mind.
:amel:
I watched Real World in PRiSS’s room and when I knocked on the door, LizO was there. I wasn’t expecting that and I had just woke up so I was a little thrown off. I knew that it was bound to happened but I feel like LizO and I are growing apart. Her and PRiSS are always together and I don’t see or talk to LizO often. I knew this was going to happen cause of the greek thing but for a while I thought it wasn’t going to. Last semester we still talked and hung out but now, when you see one, you usually see the other. Now, I know this is petty but another one of my issues are friendships. Go back in time w. me…LOL
Friendships are really important to me cause I use my friends as outlets for when I’m stressed, to share things with, to get advice…you know, the typical friend things. I had a similar experience to the one I had in elementary school in high school. The only difference was that we just grew apart on our own, I was so hurt cause I no longer had that one person that I could rely on to stand by me no matter what… So the notion that LizO and I are growing apart kinda worries me cause I don’t wanna lose her as a friend. I don’t wanna think about it cause I kinda feel like I’m looking into this too much. However, if it did come to that, I don’t think I’d be as devastated because I have HoSHI to be there for me. I’d still be hurt though.
I have more but this one is already too long. I’ll just write tomorrow or, I may just add another one before I go to sleep. I got a lot on my mind.
:amel:
25 January 2005
Call me Optimistic...
Yesterday was a good day. I was productive, got to chill with some friends and the wifey spent the night. We’ve gotten so used to staying up so late, we got in the bed at 1:30 but stayed up and talked till 3. She get’s to sleep in but I have class in another 30mins. Now I’m not going to see her till Thursday and I can’t even spend the night. I have to take some friends down to HoSHI’s school for a greek event….*sigh* I wish I could do the greek thing, my grades aren’t good enough and at this point I’m going into my last year of college, I don’t think it would be a good idea to become greek in your last year, just my personal opinion.
I wanna be your friend and I wasn’t trying to down play your feelings. I just didn’t know what they were cause you hadn’t told me. I know everyone deals with everything differently and I been through enough with you to know how you deal with some things. It’s just that in the midst of everyone trying to protect their hearts and defend themselves, your thoughts and feelings were not expressed. I’m not saying that everything is going to go back to normal right away, I have no problem giving you space and time, but like I’ve said before to you, I’ll be here when you’re ready, as a friend who genuinely cares about your wellbeing. I think it will take some time but I know that a friendship with you can work and not interfere with my current relationship. Call me optimistic, but I’m confident that it’s possible.
I’ll continue this a little later…
I wanna be your friend and I wasn’t trying to down play your feelings. I just didn’t know what they were cause you hadn’t told me. I know everyone deals with everything differently and I been through enough with you to know how you deal with some things. It’s just that in the midst of everyone trying to protect their hearts and defend themselves, your thoughts and feelings were not expressed. I’m not saying that everything is going to go back to normal right away, I have no problem giving you space and time, but like I’ve said before to you, I’ll be here when you’re ready, as a friend who genuinely cares about your wellbeing. I think it will take some time but I know that a friendship with you can work and not interfere with my current relationship. Call me optimistic, but I’m confident that it’s possible.
I’ll continue this a little later…
24 January 2005
Life Lesson
She wrote in her blog about the situation. I read it and I was glad that she came to a conclusion. I know that she had been dealing with a lot between HoSHI and myself. All the conversations, questions and mental investment put into the situation. This was the case for everyone actually. I'm glad that we have all said what we need to say and are our way to moving on and putting this in the past.
This weekend was great. I was with HoSHI from Thursday at 3pm till today at 5pm, excluding class. All the time I spent with her was wonderful, even thought we didn't do much. I realized how important she is to me and I feel like something is missing when she's not here. We have been through some serious things in the past 2 months. I know if we can make it through this, everything else will seem down hill.
We had a really good convo while I was at work about how important she is and why people like her so much. She's so humble to the point that she doesn't see what others see in her, she doesn't even notice how special she is. During this conversation, my eyes were opened to how I'm so blessed to have met a person like her and to have her love me the way that she does. Her friend was right, there aren't a lot of ppl in the world like my baby and I'm going to do whatever is in my power to keep her in my arms and no one else's. I can't be so nonchalant about how much I care for her cause some one will come and snatch her away if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm am so curious to see what else I can learn from her and see how our relationship will grow in the future.
HoSHI also brought up a valid point about this other woman in my life and our so called relationship. I have a tendency to let people run over me, do and say what they want and I sit back and do nothing. I don't know how to assert myself and be ok with people not being my friend. It's kinda sad that I'm just now realizing this at the age of 20 but, better late then never *shoulder shrug*. It's time for me to not be complacent with stagnant relationships in my life. I need to say what's on my mind, and not hold my tongue just because I may lose a friend cause those aren't the friends I need to have in my life
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH OF YOU
:amel:
This weekend was great. I was with HoSHI from Thursday at 3pm till today at 5pm, excluding class. All the time I spent with her was wonderful, even thought we didn't do much. I realized how important she is to me and I feel like something is missing when she's not here. We have been through some serious things in the past 2 months. I know if we can make it through this, everything else will seem down hill.
We had a really good convo while I was at work about how important she is and why people like her so much. She's so humble to the point that she doesn't see what others see in her, she doesn't even notice how special she is. During this conversation, my eyes were opened to how I'm so blessed to have met a person like her and to have her love me the way that she does. Her friend was right, there aren't a lot of ppl in the world like my baby and I'm going to do whatever is in my power to keep her in my arms and no one else's. I can't be so nonchalant about how much I care for her cause some one will come and snatch her away if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm am so curious to see what else I can learn from her and see how our relationship will grow in the future.
HoSHI also brought up a valid point about this other woman in my life and our so called relationship. I have a tendency to let people run over me, do and say what they want and I sit back and do nothing. I don't know how to assert myself and be ok with people not being my friend. It's kinda sad that I'm just now realizing this at the age of 20 but, better late then never *shoulder shrug*. It's time for me to not be complacent with stagnant relationships in my life. I need to say what's on my mind, and not hold my tongue just because I may lose a friend cause those aren't the friends I need to have in my life
:amel:
19 January 2005
Fall to Pieces...
Well… I decided to stop being so selfish and I told HoSHI the truth about what happened over break. It’s all thanks to Ms. Priss who reminded me that I have a conscience and LizO for being my voice of reason. I just knew that as soon as I told her what happened, that it would be over. I’d lose her for good, as a friend and as companion. I even made a list of reasons why I should and shouldn’t tell her but on Monday I finaly found the balls to be honest and tell her…
SOMETHING SHE ALREADY KNEW!!!
She told me that she knew I wasn’t telling her everything the first night we talked. I had no idea that she knew, honestly. I was surprised when she told me she did. I was thinking to myself, "why didn’t you just say something? I would have told you asap" But I guess that defeats the purpose of the whole honesty portion of the relationship. The only reason I didn’t say anything was because I knew I’d lose her. I know that’s a bad reason not to tell her, but it was what was going through my head. At any rate, things went a lot better then I thought….WAY BETTER. She’s going to give me another chance and we’re going to work through this. I’m so glad cause even thought she had reason to leave, I would have been devastated to lose her. She’s been such a big part of my life for the past 5 months and I’ve learned so much from her. She’s said before that I’d get over it quickly but I don’t know how true that is.
THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME IN YOUR LIFE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
So outside of all that fun stuff, I’m sick, which is making everything harder. I’ve missed 1 day from 2 class and I haven’t done any work. I don’t wanna do sh!t… all I wanna do is sleep. And it’s supposed to snow for the next 3 days…WTF. This weather is not conducive for my recovery.
We’re supposed to be having a party on Friday. All I have to say is jello-shots and twister…Need I say more. I hope it goes as well as planed. As long as certain ppl don’t show up, things should run smoothly.
:amel:
She told me that she knew I wasn’t telling her everything the first night we talked. I had no idea that she knew, honestly. I was surprised when she told me she did. I was thinking to myself, "why didn’t you just say something? I would have told you asap" But I guess that defeats the purpose of the whole honesty portion of the relationship. The only reason I didn’t say anything was because I knew I’d lose her. I know that’s a bad reason not to tell her, but it was what was going through my head. At any rate, things went a lot better then I thought….WAY BETTER. She’s going to give me another chance and we’re going to work through this. I’m so glad cause even thought she had reason to leave, I would have been devastated to lose her. She’s been such a big part of my life for the past 5 months and I’ve learned so much from her. She’s said before that I’d get over it quickly but I don’t know how true that is.
So outside of all that fun stuff, I’m sick, which is making everything harder. I’ve missed 1 day from 2 class and I haven’t done any work. I don’t wanna do sh!t… all I wanna do is sleep. And it’s supposed to snow for the next 3 days…WTF. This weather is not conducive for my recovery.
We’re supposed to be having a party on Friday. All I have to say is jello-shots and twister…Need I say more. I hope it goes as well as planed. As long as certain ppl don’t show up, things should run smoothly.
:amel:
15 January 2005
It Never Ends...
What do you do when some one who loves you and that you love in return, points out one of your flaws? If you’re me, you listen and take what they say to heart but at the same time, slowly feel more and more inadequate with yourself. I’m aware of my flaws, especially the one that was pointed out to me this morning. I had more difficulties with it in high school then I do now, so it really doesn’t come up unless some one of importance is involved.
I can’t help it that for some ppl, I will go out of my way to accommodate them, even if it means compromising myself. That’s how I’ve been for a while now. It’s not something I’m proud of but like I said, it doesn’t occur often. When it does, it’s second nature to me so I don’t think twice about it, until someone brings up the fact that I’m being taken advantage of or that I’m putting what I want aside to make some one else happy. I operate this way to avoid confrontation. If I can keep someone important to me around by doing things there way, then that’s fine by me.
I just don’t like to think about stuff like this. It makes me take a step back and look at myself. I’m not upset, but who likes their cards pulled. I don't anylize myself, why do you have to?
I’m going to bed….
I can’t help it that for some ppl, I will go out of my way to accommodate them, even if it means compromising myself. That’s how I’ve been for a while now. It’s not something I’m proud of but like I said, it doesn’t occur often. When it does, it’s second nature to me so I don’t think twice about it, until someone brings up the fact that I’m being taken advantage of or that I’m putting what I want aside to make some one else happy. I operate this way to avoid confrontation. If I can keep someone important to me around by doing things there way, then that’s fine by me.
I just don’t like to think about stuff like this. It makes me take a step back and look at myself. I’m not upset, but who likes their cards pulled. I don't anylize myself, why do you have to?
I’m going to bed….
13 January 2005
Blah...
Everyone went to the conference yesterday and now it’s only 4 black folk left on campus that I associate with. They won’t be back till Sunday, which sucks cause now I have nothing to do. As always in the first couple of weeks of school, there isn’t much work to be done. I don’t even have all my books yet, so i can't really do anything anyway. I definitely slept from 4pm to almost 8 just cause I didn’t have anything to do.
During my nap, I had a dream about her. I can’t believe that she still affects me the way that she does. I don’t quite feel that our friendship is stable but I’ll take what I can get. I’m so perplexed.
I wish HoSHI was here. I’ve been missing her a lot. I think its because I know I can’t talk to her when I want to. And when I do talk to her, we’re constantly interrupted by people, no service and other disturbances. It’s very aggravating. I’ll be happy when she gets back.
Nothing else is going on, my classes are boring for the moment, I have no one to kick it with and it’s been raining for the past 2 days. I’ve gotta get out of this awkward mood. I need sex…that would definitely get me out of my mood real quick….LOL
During my nap, I had a dream about her. I can’t believe that she still affects me the way that she does. I don’t quite feel that our friendship is stable but I’ll take what I can get. I’m so perplexed.
I wish HoSHI was here. I’ve been missing her a lot. I think its because I know I can’t talk to her when I want to. And when I do talk to her, we’re constantly interrupted by people, no service and other disturbances. It’s very aggravating. I’ll be happy when she gets back.
Nothing else is going on, my classes are boring for the moment, I have no one to kick it with and it’s been raining for the past 2 days. I’ve gotta get out of this awkward mood. I need sex…that would definitely get me out of my mood real quick….LOL
11 January 2005
Guess who's Bizzack...
I’m back in Ohio on the grind. I don’t have my books yet but if I was, I’d be reading my little a$s off. My trip back was a slow one, it seemed to take forever to get out of MD. I drove w. ms. maxwell again and she was on the phone with somebody talking about the dram that happened over break, something along the lines of MARRIAGE!!!!. WTF, you are clearly 19, and you don’t even love the guy. You were just trying to help him out to get a green card! I’m telling you some ppl just don’t think things through, but who am I to past judgment…
HoSHI got to OH before I did so when I arrived around 7ish, she came to see me. The visit wasn’t awkward like I thought it might be. We actually picked things back up quite nicely. It was good to see her of course. She stayed with me Saturday and Sunday and we got to spend some good quality time with out having school work or other sh!t going on. Saturday night we hung out the house w. LizO and PRISS. Sunday, we stayed in bed all day...ahhh just like old times. We were going to go out but neither of us had gas or money so we opted to listen to music all day and sleep. We did end up going out at 9 to see Derrick’s new apartment and to see Zae. We watched the L word till 2:30…good show. We mad a walmart trip and then commenced to crash at 4ish. She’s currently at a conference and she’ll be there all week. Unfortunately she doesn’t have reception so we won’t be talking much.
I think I’ve reached a new point in the relationship where I’m comfortable with it and her. I know her personality, she knows mine and we know how to deal with each other. We know what battles to pursue and we know which ones to let go. I’m learning and growing and I want to make her happy.
I’ve been to all my classes and this semester looks like I’m going to have a sh!t load of work to do. All three of my science classes have major group projects that the class is centered around. That’s good because work can be split up but bad cause it’s a lot of research that needs to be done. I’m looking at them with the most optimistic attitude cause I’m going to do well in all of my class!
I hung out with LizO, DAME, PRISS and Cliferton yesterday. Only LizO and DAME were doing any shopping, the rest of us went for company and just so we could go out. Now DAME’s sexuality is always in question cause he is a very VERY feminine man yet he swears up and down he’s not. Yesterday was my first time every really hanging out with him. We went into Express and I tell you, I’ve never in my 20 years of life ever been so entertained by anyone’s shopping style. This man was so indecisive, he didn’t listen and after 2hrs, he only left with a shirt. Being out with them was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Not to mention all the gay jokes that were being thrown around by LizO and PRISS. I just sat back and soaked it all up, being that LizO and PRISS are strait. Once we got back to the house, we make cake brownies and played monopoly. I’ve never really played monopoly but it was hilarious! PRISS was tell folk when others landed on their property and didn’t pay. No one could get a whole block of property, we were auctioning off sh!t at double the value just so we could by houses. We played until 2 the we went back to our respective places.
Today is Nita’s birthday so I’m going to go out there and celebrate with them. I figure it’s best for me to play while I can before I’m so swamped with work to do anything. The gas card is working so I’m bout to fill up and be out. I’m also going to stop by TARGET, Finish Line and this gym to fill out applications. Getting a job is so necessary. This has been entirely too long so I’m going to stop. I just might write later though…
:amel:
HoSHI got to OH before I did so when I arrived around 7ish, she came to see me. The visit wasn’t awkward like I thought it might be. We actually picked things back up quite nicely. It was good to see her of course. She stayed with me Saturday and Sunday and we got to spend some good quality time with out having school work or other sh!t going on. Saturday night we hung out the house w. LizO and PRISS. Sunday, we stayed in bed all day...ahhh just like old times. We were going to go out but neither of us had gas or money so we opted to listen to music all day and sleep. We did end up going out at 9 to see Derrick’s new apartment and to see Zae. We watched the L word till 2:30…good show. We mad a walmart trip and then commenced to crash at 4ish. She’s currently at a conference and she’ll be there all week. Unfortunately she doesn’t have reception so we won’t be talking much.
I think I’ve reached a new point in the relationship where I’m comfortable with it and her. I know her personality, she knows mine and we know how to deal with each other. We know what battles to pursue and we know which ones to let go. I’m learning and growing and I want to make her happy.
I’ve been to all my classes and this semester looks like I’m going to have a sh!t load of work to do. All three of my science classes have major group projects that the class is centered around. That’s good because work can be split up but bad cause it’s a lot of research that needs to be done. I’m looking at them with the most optimistic attitude cause I’m going to do well in all of my class!
I hung out with LizO, DAME, PRISS and Cliferton yesterday. Only LizO and DAME were doing any shopping, the rest of us went for company and just so we could go out. Now DAME’s sexuality is always in question cause he is a very VERY feminine man yet he swears up and down he’s not. Yesterday was my first time every really hanging out with him. We went into Express and I tell you, I’ve never in my 20 years of life ever been so entertained by anyone’s shopping style. This man was so indecisive, he didn’t listen and after 2hrs, he only left with a shirt. Being out with them was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Not to mention all the gay jokes that were being thrown around by LizO and PRISS. I just sat back and soaked it all up, being that LizO and PRISS are strait. Once we got back to the house, we make cake brownies and played monopoly. I’ve never really played monopoly but it was hilarious! PRISS was tell folk when others landed on their property and didn’t pay. No one could get a whole block of property, we were auctioning off sh!t at double the value just so we could by houses. We played until 2 the we went back to our respective places.
Today is Nita’s birthday so I’m going to go out there and celebrate with them. I figure it’s best for me to play while I can before I’m so swamped with work to do anything. The gas card is working so I’m bout to fill up and be out. I’m also going to stop by TARGET, Finish Line and this gym to fill out applications. Getting a job is so necessary. This has been entirely too long so I’m going to stop. I just might write later though…
:amel:
06 January 2005
Whooo....
I’m really liking the way things are unfolding. HoSHI are working things out and I’ll be able to see her in another 2 days. I’m sure that things will start to go back to normal once we spend some time together and reconnect. We’ve been talking a lot more and there’s more conversation and less silence. She even threw in a few compliments today. It also turns out that I didn’t lose a friend. Our friendship just changed slightly. We’re at least on speaking terms and that makes me happy.
As my time at home draws to an end, I’ve find myself clinging to my mommy. Even though she really annoys me with her requests for me to go to bed and get off the computer, I really like her. We have such a good relationship and I enjoy just being around her. I wish she could come visit me at school, maybe during her spring break…
I was very productive today; I cleaned up the kitchen (or at least half of it), did the dog laundry and washed them both. I have to do my laundry and start packing tomorrow. Oh, ms. Maxwell had the nerve to ask me if we were going to leave at noon on Saturday. Now I told her before she even left that I wanted to leave on sat around noon cause I don’t wanna be on the road all day. She talking about some “well last time, we didn’t leave right away and I ended up falling asleep”. Mind you, I was recovering from the worst hang over in life. I was just real aggravated when she said that cause I stressed to her that I wanted to leave at noon.
I really need to get back into church. It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I want HoSHI and I to find a church. We both have strong back religious backgrounds with both of her parents being ministers and me going to church on a regular basis since I was like 5. It’s ridiculous that we don’t go to church. I’ve stopped praying and have such a nonchalant attitude about the Lord and my relationship with him. It’s sad. I’m going to work on it though, cause it is important to me. It’s also necessary for my survival in this crazy world. I gotta keep a foundation or else I’ll slip through the cracks.
:amel:
As my time at home draws to an end, I’ve find myself clinging to my mommy. Even though she really annoys me with her requests for me to go to bed and get off the computer, I really like her. We have such a good relationship and I enjoy just being around her. I wish she could come visit me at school, maybe during her spring break…
I was very productive today; I cleaned up the kitchen (or at least half of it), did the dog laundry and washed them both. I have to do my laundry and start packing tomorrow. Oh, ms. Maxwell had the nerve to ask me if we were going to leave at noon on Saturday. Now I told her before she even left that I wanted to leave on sat around noon cause I don’t wanna be on the road all day. She talking about some “well last time, we didn’t leave right away and I ended up falling asleep”. Mind you, I was recovering from the worst hang over in life. I was just real aggravated when she said that cause I stressed to her that I wanted to leave at noon.
I really need to get back into church. It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I want HoSHI and I to find a church. We both have strong back religious backgrounds with both of her parents being ministers and me going to church on a regular basis since I was like 5. It’s ridiculous that we don’t go to church. I’ve stopped praying and have such a nonchalant attitude about the Lord and my relationship with him. It’s sad. I’m going to work on it though, cause it is important to me. It’s also necessary for my survival in this crazy world. I gotta keep a foundation or else I’ll slip through the cracks.
:amel:
05 January 2005
What Can I Say For Millicent....
This relationship is causing more stress then a little bit. I am doing everything in my power to keep an open mind and look at things objectively but it’s so hard. Considering all the arguments and what they are about, is not very encouraging. I just need something positive to happen to make me feel like this relationship is worth both of our time. I know that relationships, good ones for that matter, aren’t perfect all the time but we haven’t had something good happen to us since November. I never knew that a relationship could be so difficult. I do know one thing, if we can make it through this, any other little sh!t that comes up, I will be a lot more prepared.
I lost a friend the other day for the second time. It makes me kinda think that maybe we’re not supposed to be friends. Whenever things are going good between us, we have the best of time. She talks to me when she won’t talk to her best friend. I listen just to learn about her. It hurts when we don’t talk cause I know it usually because of something I did. I wish there was something I could do or say to fix the situation or to change the way you feel about me. I’m sorry for what I did, it was wrong and I accept responsibility for my actions. I don’t regret what happen, I regret how our relationship changed as a result of our actions. Please believe that I respect you more then that and if I had known that our friendship would be compromised, I would not have followed through with my actions. I’m going to respect your wishes but I’ll always be here to listen if you need it.
I go back to school on Saturday, I will finally be able to see HoSHI and begin the mending process. I really do think that things are going to be better. I’m anxious to get back to school and start classes. I’m talking a film class (it’s required), animal behavior, plant physiology and a seminar about conservation or something like that. I just really wanna prove to myself that I can do better then last semester. I been looking at a lot of career stuff and I’m trying to get my academics in line with the requirements. I’m a little concerned but I just gotta do what I gotta do. Mommy starts class tomorrow. She’s going from and 18hr load to a 13hr load, she’s much happier. I wish so bad that I when to and HBC or at least had more black ppl. on my campus. I was in the bookstore with her and there was so much greek stuff there, well at least more then what’s at my school. But oh well, there’s benefits to going to a private liberal arts predominantly white university.
This is way longer then I wanted it to be so I’m calling it a night… or morning.
:amel:
I go back to school on Saturday, I will finally be able to see HoSHI and begin the mending process. I really do think that things are going to be better. I’m anxious to get back to school and start classes. I’m talking a film class (it’s required), animal behavior, plant physiology and a seminar about conservation or something like that. I just really wanna prove to myself that I can do better then last semester. I been looking at a lot of career stuff and I’m trying to get my academics in line with the requirements. I’m a little concerned but I just gotta do what I gotta do. Mommy starts class tomorrow. She’s going from and 18hr load to a 13hr load, she’s much happier. I wish so bad that I when to and HBC or at least had more black ppl. on my campus. I was in the bookstore with her and there was so much greek stuff there, well at least more then what’s at my school. But oh well, there’s benefits to going to a private liberal arts predominantly white university.
:amel:
01 January 2005
I saw Oceans Twelve today…very very good. I was impressed with the plot and enjoyed its twists. I actually saw it by myself cause mommy and her friend went to see Ray. After the movie, mommy and I went to Chevy’s and had a very good dinner. I’m still stuffed and that was over 4hrs ago. Gotta go to church tomorrow and then mommy is going to look for a purse at Arundel Mills. Nat leaves for NC tomorrow but I’m not sure what time. I’d like to see her before she leaves but I don’t know if that’s going to happen.
HoSHI is in NC with the best friend. She's doing more shoping then a little bit and I must admit, I'm a little jealous, but it's cool. We had another long convo the other night, which left me extreemly frustrated. I just wanna get back to Ohio so I don't have to deal with the bulsh!t anymore, I can't take this. On a more positive note, I do miss her and I thought about her a lot today.
When I’m alone, I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes its productive and other times its destructive. I’ve had a lot on my mind these past couple of days and I’d really just like 2 days of no contact with anyone to sort it out and get myself together. This being a new year and all, I have to decide what needs to say, what needs to go and what needs to be newly incorporated. Life it truly what you make it and I’m beginning to see that as I learn more and live more. I know that I can have everything I want right now but I have to prepare myself and do what needs to be done to achieve my ideal. And to be quite honest, I don’t know what the hell that is. Until then, I’ll continue to be the person I am and take chances and live for me. That may sound selfish but, in the end, I can only speak for me.
:amel:
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