Tomorrow is my first official day at Bath and Body Works. I’m real nervous cause I’ve never done retail before. The whole interacting with customers and cash register thing makes me a little nervous. I’m sure after my first two shifts, I’ll be fine. I just have to get used to it. I need to holla at the GAP ASAP cause working 2 days a week is not the move especially with the bill I have coming.

So my mom and I share a gas card. When I first got home she said use it, so I did…4 times. So that’s $90 plus my mom used it twice so that brings the total to $120, not to mention the balance from last month. I don’t even wanna think about it. I see how people can get really stressed out about their bills, It’s not cool to get behind cause then you gotta worry about your credit getting fu@ked up and people calling you twice a week to get their money. I’m just being patient cause I know I have money coming to me, and as soon as I get it, I’m paying that sh!t off.

It really sucks thought cause then its like I’m living to work, not working to live. I just wanna enjoy my summer and not have to put all my funds towards bills and paying people. I’m trying to do too much this summer for me not to have any money. NYC, my room next year and just chill expenses. Damn it, I’m going to Blues Alley before the summer is out, and I’m doing some shopping. I could talk all day about money and how I don’t have it but I think I’ll stop right.........HERE

NC was ok. I didn’t really get to see the city, I just spent time at my aunts house, which was NICE. She had a pond in her back yard and at night, frogs came out. I was tell everyone what kind they were and answering questions. It was pretty cool, I felt knowledgeable about my little specialty.

Nothing of interest is going on. I met Jess and we went to Old town Alexandria. That was nice, cause I had never been. We got chipotle and walked around. I made my first alcohol purchase, even though it wasn’t for me and the check out lady read my ID wrong and thought I was a month off. It was cute, I didn’t get mad or anything I just wanted her to hurry up cause she was asking people about protocol stuff.

I had a convo with Sapphic before I left and that was nice. We talked about Hoshi, which was kinda weird cause we had never really brought her up before in any of our other conversations. She’s a sweetie from what I know thus far. I can tell that she’s young though. Haven’t really talked to Hoshi outside of AIM and txt messages.

Nat and I have awkward convo and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m sure its hard for things to be any type of way considering how our relationship has changed so many times. Something always happens and things turn out right but right now, it’s not looking up. I’m frustrated by this situation but I know I can’t do anything about it so I’m just going to let it ride.

:amel:

-|- Horney Nut Case -|-

Ok so I’ve never in my 5 years of being sexually active wanted sex so bad in my life! This is really pissing me off and I’m turning into a bitter person. This is so not like me. I’ll get it under wraps in a min, once I start working and don’t have the time to sit around and think about it. I mean I’ve been through dry spells before but never like this. Maybe she did get me hooked? I don’t know but sex has been on my mind entirely too much.

I had a blast at Hampton. I got to know Broadway, one of Jem’s good friends and hung out with this cool gay guy named Clay. He can dance his ass off and is hilarious. I can’t wait till I get my pics developed. Maybe I’ll post a couple. I got to go to the beach and I met Jem’s new boyfriend. She always finds the best most respectful dudes. I’m glad she has good relationship luck.

I start work at bath & body works on Wednesday, so I’m enjoying these last few days before I start. I really wanna go visit MeL tomorrow but I don’t know what we’re going to do. And in our states, we don’t need to stay in the house, there’s no tellin’ what I might do.

WHY CAN’T SHE JUST LET ME HOLD HER WHY CAN’T WE JUST FOR ONE DAY GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE LAST SUMMER….AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry, had a moment. Ummm…

Sapphic is playin’ matchmaker and trying to hook me up with this girl from her school. She’s really young and is kinda far, but I think I’ll talk to her a bit and see where her head is at and take it from there. She even put a plug for me on the board. I’m hopping that one goes a little farther then with the other chick. It’s kinda funny that she brought me up to that particular person, cause I had always found her attractive, I just didn’t know what to say. We’ll see how that goes. I kinda wonder what’s going on with Sapphic and HoSHI cause I know all is not well, but I’m not that concerned. Matter of fact I haven’t talked to her since I left Ohio. A couple of txt msg and IM convo’s but nothing in depth. I hope she’s doing ok. I’m sure she’s fine, she’s got plenty of people to keep her occupied. Although, now that we’ve had serious time apart, I wonder what she really thinks about me?

:amel:

>Quick Update<

Today I’m gong to Hampton to visit Jemey for her birthday. Her party was supposed to be at the beach but its definitely pouring. I kinda happy to be going but at the same time, it’s going to be mad ppl there that I don’t know. I’m going to try and be optimistic about it but we’ll see.

The job search is looking up. I had 2 interviews this week and one of them gave me an off already. I’ll be working by this time next week for sure, which will be great cause mommy and I really need the money. I got bills, she’s got bills and we gotta keep our credit is in good standing. Its really stressful thought cause my mom is really behind on stuff and I hate that I can’t do anything about it…But not for much longer

My birthday was ok, pretty much just a typical Wednesday. People called and I got a couple of cards but no big deal. I don’t wanna complain cause I’m grateful to have lived this long. I just wish I could have done something big. Oh well…

Umm, not in the best of moods but hopefully this trip will change it. I hope

:amel:

Ahh Yes..The Joys of Summer

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days about relationships. Not necessarily romantic, just the intimacy portion of it. I was with my friend Scott (she’s a chick) and a semi-mutual friend of ours came by and hung out with us. I had never met her before but Scott had, matter of fact, they did some things back in the day. At any rate, the girl was cute…real cute. We talked the whole day and we re-acquainted ourselves to each other. Being that Scott and her had been together in the past, at the end of the evening when we were watching a movie, they were all hugged up on the couch. As I watched them, I was intrigued but I was also thinking, damn, can I get a cuddle buddy. It was nice to watch but it was short lived. We dropped her off at the station and went to go visit her ex’s. It’s a complicated background but basically, Scott was with Tiff and they broke up. Then she got with this chick named Ty and they broke up. Then Tiff and Ty got together. So it’s a happy (sike) little triangle of love.Tiff and Ty have this nice ass apartment with tiffs granddaddy and we just kicked it over there. Tiff and ty are are affectionate. So once again I was around another couple being all cute. It really doesn’t bother me to be around it, I prefer to actually. It just puts me in a funky mood for a couple of days cause then I reminisce about the past.

I haven’t heard back from Bally’s and I called the guy twice today. I’ll try again tomorrow but I got an app. from the GAP and Boarders. While I was in the bookstore, I saw this book in the psychology section about the art of seduction. On the back, it had 22 steps on how to seduce some one. I thought it was quite interesting and it made me think about how HoSHI told me that I wasn’t sexually aggressive... I know I was in a funky mood cause I actually went window shopping today, I usually hate doing that cause it just puts me in a bad mood cause I can never buy anything. But I guess my psyche just figured, you’re already in a bad mood, might as well humor yourself.

I’ve had several ppl ask what am I doing for my birthday and I just shrug my shoulders and reply, I don’t know. I know an older friend of mine is going to take me out to lunch and Scott was talking about going to the club. What I really want is for someone to just plan something for me. Either way, I’ll be doing something. Usually, I let the day of my birthday be reserved for my mommy, and the evening and the weekend is for me. If I say in the mood I’m in right now, I know I’ll be nice and drunk the whole day.

You leave issues in one place, only for other ones to come up some place else…

:amel:

.:Affectionatly Starved:.

So I’m sitting at home, by myself and the weather report comes on the news… its supposed to thunder storm Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. When I think of thunderstorms, my mind wonders back to last summer when I was laid up in the bed with a certain someone. There was one candle for light, a jazz fusion CD was playing in the background and we conversed, touched and teased each other until the wee hours of the morning. I want to do it again, I want to hear the rain, smell the earthy candle and touch her until we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
BUT…I can’t… I can’t do that with anyone and that frustrates me. I am so affection starved, it hurts. My body feels so tight. I just want some one to touch me, out of love, lust, passion whatever. Now, I know that that its unhealthy for me to seek out this affection because I know it won’t truly satisfy me. I have to have patience and wait for the right person and the right time. I know all of this, It’s just a matter of sticking to it…GURRR…

I think this is one of the reasons I don’t like to be by myself. I think too much about the stuff I want or the things and people I miss. If I’m out and about and around folk talking and laughing, I don’t have to think about not being able to shop the way I want or have money to spend as I please or the fact that I don’t have some one important in my life anymore. It’s a means to cope, I guess. These feelings come and go and I deal with them accordingly. It’s just hard when they come up cause I got through this whole frustration, realization confirmation cycle every time. I’m learning and thus far (of late), I’ve only given in once to my feelings. And to be honest I really didn’t cause nothing happened between myself and the person I paid a visit to. It was actually quite awkward and I wished I hadn’t have gone over there. But at any rate, I’m ok, just felt the need to put my thoughts in writing. Better that then tell some one and get my feelings hurt…

:amel:

Meet and Greet

Still looking for work. It hasn’t been a week yet so I’m not stressing yet. I have some good leads so we’ll see what happens at the end of the week. I met MeL this weekend. She rubbed me the wrong way at first and kinda aggravated me but once we drove into DC and pick up her friend, things got better. I don’t know if I was bothered cause we couldn’t really do anything cause of my money situation or what, but we chilled in Dupont and got chipotle so all was well. There’s this other girl I met off BP named Dana and she’s trying to meet up with me as well. She seems mad cool but I don’t click with her like I click with other folks that I’ve met online. We’ll see how I feel after I meet her. Maybe my opinion will change. I’ve seen a lot of Nat since I been home but she wants to do the platonic thing which is fine with me. I just have to make sure that I operate like that and not do the things that I would do for someone that I was interested in. I don’t know how that’s going to go cause she so close to me and the first person I think of to hang out or go out with. I’m more mindful about the time we spend together (a little late I know…) She’s still cool people and I see us being friends for a while.

I’m supposed to be hanging out with Sapphic sometime soon. I’ve been warned against it by some but I’m not trippin’. I know it may be strange but she’s just another chick for real. I mean we have several things in common and common friends and acquaintances so, it’s no big deal. Our meeting will either be cool or it won’t. In either case, we’re grown folk and can handle the situation so I’m not worried. I’m really looking forward to it, plus I’ll get to meet rock-and-soul from the board and I find her intriguing. I just like meeting new people.

:amel:

I’M HOME! The trip wasn’t bad at all either. I went 85mph the whole way and got home before dark. I left later then expected cause I had to catch up w. the L Word…I’m addicted, I admit. HoSHI really pissed me off when I left, but I didn’t leave on bad terms, a least in my mind we didn’t. But I’m not going to worry about that anymore, whatever happens, happens and I’m fine either way…

I registered for chem. I but, it doesn’t start until July. Good news, I can work and travel all of May and June. Bad news, I have to take chem. II at my school and if I don’t pass, I don’t graduate. Ain’t that some sh!t I had to take this placement test…LOL no, LMFAO. I didn’t know anything on it. It had sin and co-sin stuff and some problem with a big sigma. I guessed on over half of that stuff but I passed, by the grace of GOD.

I really missed my mommy. It was nice to see her. I forgot she cut her hair. She looks so cute when it’s short. She’s been doing the work and school thing so we really haven’t had time to talk and spend time with each other. But I’m giving her tonight and we’ll just sit around and talk, she get to see how her daughter has grown and matured. I wonder what she thinks about me and the person I’ve become? I wonder if I were just someone on the street would we be friends?

I’m supposed to be going out with MeL tomorrow. I think we’ll go to Hanes Point cause I’ve never been. I saw Nat yesterday. We got chipotle and watched this weird movie named Donney Darko. Very very strange film. I didn’t like it that much I had no point. After it went off I was like great, there goes 2 hrs of my life I’ll never be able to get back…lol. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that bad, definitely not mainstream.

So, Job hunting. That’s what I’m going to be up to for the next two weeks. And I really don’t care where I work, I just need some money. I’d rather have a desk job cause I’ll make more but burger king will do just nicely.

:amel:

I am so Through!

I’ve reached my saturation point. I’ve been cool, I’ve let sh!t slide but damn it, I’m not a bad person and I don’t deserve this. I was kinda thinking to myself “I wonder if she’s acting this way on purpose, you know just to hurt me like I hurt her”. Several ppl have suggested it but the idea just fell on deaf ears. I would hope that that’s not the kinda person she is but you never know. I guess I’m trying to hard to make something work that just isn’t supposed to. You get upset and cry when ppl cut you off so how do you expect me to act when you put a wall up? I think I’ve done a good job dealing with all you’ve put me through. I’m not one who argues so I don’t see how you’d be upset with me, I don’t see you or talk to you much so I don’t understand how I irk you either. I think I’ve done a lot to try and make this friendship work, but I can only put in so much work before I need some help. I can’t do the job by myself and that’s how I feel.

You have no idea the way you’ve affected me and my thought process and the way I look at things. I mean you had me thinking the way I think and do things was totally fu@ked up. Well you know what, I don’t care what you think anymore, doing what you want me to do isn’t going to make me happy and it’s not going to do anything for building a friendship. I’m not you and I don’t operate like you. I am my own person with my own experience and valid thoughts. I’m not totally giving up, I’m just at that point like if something doesn’t change soon we’re going to stop talking and I know it. And I honestly I don’t think you’d care. You have you’re other women to enhance your ego and entertain you. Losing one won’t harm you.

I tried, I really did and I don’t know what else to do. Like I said I guess I’m trying to save something that’s not supposed to be. This is going to hurt like a b!tch. Can I go home now…

On a happier note…IM FINISHED WITH EXAMS!!! My last paper has been done since Sunday but I’m not happy with it, cause I couldn’t find enough sources. I’ll probably work on it tomorrow after I do my errands. I finally got to go to Avesta’s. Tera took me cause I was hungry and broke, such a bad combination. I had a chi-tini but since it was made with tea, it tasted watered down. They guy just put more bailey’s in it and it was ok.

I was so looking forward to seeing HoSHI today but now… I don’t know anymore. I don’t need this sh!t right now. Nothing was supposed to ruin my day... Where the fu@k is my 99 Bannans!

:amel: