What do you Think?

Is it a problem to let people just casually come into and leave your life whenever it’s convenient for them?
My automatic response would be hell yes it is a problem. In general, I’m not cool with people just coming and going with out giving a reason or without regard to my feelings. That’s selfish and rude. But then I think about what has occurred in the past and what lies in my future. There have been numerous times where I’ve let people in my life for weeks or months at a time to have them disappear because they didn’t wanna deal with their feelings or some other reason unknown to me. The first few weeks are usually hard to get through without being angry or bitter, depending on how interested I was in the person. But after a while, I let go and keep it moving. I’m not scarred or bitter towards the person, no need to waste energy on something you can’t do anything about. 9 times out of 10 if they come back around, things pick up right were they left off...sometimes. At this point in my life I don’t wanna get attached to anyone that I meet because I won’t be here for long. So again I ask, is it really that bad to keep letting some one back in your life even though you know they’re not going to stick around? If you have a true connection with this person and genuinely like them, outside of their disappearing act, what’s the harm in keeping them around for company?

:amel:

I Wanna Move Too!

So, why is everyone making big moves in the month of March. 2 people I know are moving into their own places. These are ladies I knew would strike it out on their own eventually but I didn’t know it was going to be so soon. It’s amazing where a little determination will get you. Knowing people that are actually moving into their own place makes the whole concept so realistic. There are plenty of people I know and hang out with but no one has there own place. This is such a wonderful thing and I hope they are both prepared for my company cause I plan to but the hell out of them....well at least one of them. In other news I’m so excited for the spring to come. I’m sick of being limited in my social activities ie: restaurant, bar, movies ect. When it warms up there are things to do outside and I’m all for that. I think I’m going to the National Arboretum tomorrow afternoon with Green Eyes since it’s supposed to be 70°.

Complaint for the Day

Today was the last portion of my doctor’s appt. the wonderful and oh so pleasant PAP. My appt was at noon, which translated to 1pm. I even go there early to see if that would help. To give me even more time constraints, I was scheduled to be at work at 2pm. Worst-case scenario I get seen at 1:30, I get to work by 2:30. Guess what time I was seen...3pm! Sigh, I sat patiently at first and I even told the person who takes your vitals that I had to be to work at 2, but that didn’t even help. I ended up not going into work, which sucks cause those were hours that I needed and missed out on. As Green says, there was a reason I didn’t go in, fine whatever. I was still miffed that I had to wait 20 years to get poked and prodded. Oh and the total for the office visit *drum roll* $290. In total for my dentist, doctor and eye exam for Peace Corps were looking in the price range of $1,000, and I’m only going to be reimbursed $200. That hurts my pockets beyond belief but, its all finished and now I can move to the next step in this process.

:amel:

REVELATION

I’m learning how to tell myself the truth. It’s not always an easy thing, but when you lie to yourself, you end up lying to those around you. Often times I’m presented with a question or a situation and my first inclination leans towards the negative or the unfavorable side for who ever the question or situation pertains to. And I’m a people pleaser and I hate to disappoint or make anyone upset. Of late, I’m starting to not worry about what others think and feel cause at the end of the day I have to be happy with the decisions I make. That person is not going to be with me and most times could care less about what I’m thinking or feeling. So Im going to start being honest with myself and other folks for that matter cause being nice all the time isn’t going to fly. I end up wasting time, money and effort and for nothing but to be irritated because I did something I didn’t wanna do in the first place. And if that means that I’m going to be in the house more often then not, that’s fine cause I’ll be putting my time and effort towards something I wanna do, not just doing something because I was asked.

:amel:

Cash Flow...Or Lack there Of

I need another job. I’m trying to do to much to just have this little part time bullsh!t. I finally got my nomination package from Peace Corps. Now I have to schedule and pay for (w/o insurance mind you) a dentist, eye and physical exam. I was going to play with the money I got from this mutual fund from my granny but, doesn’t look like that’s going to be happening. Part of it is going to my car and part to this doctor stuff. If there’s anything left over, I’m getting my guitar. I finally decided which one I want, now I just have to get it. I found one on ebay for $120 which is great considering it’s a $500 guitar.

Ibanez Artcore AF75


From the description my recruiter gave me, sounds like I’m going to be working in Madagascar instead of Fiji. Evidently, that was the only place that an environmental program opening within my time frame. When I interviewed, I was very adamant about going anywhere but Africa. At the time I didn’t give her a reason. I just would prefer not to go to a place I have connections with. Im not prepared to see people that look like me struggling. Now granted, I’m very aware there are many affluent people living in Africa, however, the chance of me working with them are slim to non. The whole purpose of Peace Corps is to help in an area that NEEDS it. ie: wealth is not where I’m going. But for some reason, I’m cool if I go to Madagascar, maybe because it’s technically not connected to Africa, and that it’s an island. I don’t really know. Im not even sure if that’s where I’m going. I’m just taking a really good guess with the description of the program they gave me. In all honesty, I’ll be happy where ever I go...I’m just ready to go!

I’m trying to do a lot of traveling in the next few months. First trip on the list is Philly. Time for me to go back out and visit Simone. I’ll probably go out sometime in March. After Philly comes Hampton, gotta go hang out with the besti and experience Greek life at and HBCU. So I’m assuming that will be end of March, beginning of April. Then I gotta head back to the almamater for the Step Show. Last stop on the list is Chicago. Never been before but I have a few folks I’d like to spend sometime with. All this traveling means, I need to have some money set aside...Hence my need to get another job. Any offers?

:amel:

PMS Introspection

Life is so overwhelming and at times I feel like I don’t have a grasp of it. It is so important for me to portray myself as a stable intelligent woman who knows what I want out of life and knows how to get it, but most of the time I just feel like an adolescent who doesn’t know anything about it. I know that life is a learning process but I feel like I’m just going through the motions and not learning anything. It’s really scary to think about it cause I get worried about how I’m going to be 5 years down the road. It’s like I have a list of goals and accomplishments I’d like to achieve and I know what I need to do to get there but because I haven’t committed any of my life lessons to memory, I don’t really know how to get there. Scary thought isn’t it. I feel like I’m just missing something. Now being that I was brought up in a spiritual home, I could just say, if I got back into the church and feed my emaciated soul, things would probably get better and part of me honestly believes that. Spirituality could be the motivation and support i need to push me in the right direction. Another part of me is just longing for something miraculous to happen and just fix everything. That’s not realistic but hey, it nice to dream. What in the world am I going to do with myself?

...sigh...

Idle Thoughts

Being idol really sucks. You have time to sit and think about everything. Things you should be doing, things you haven’t done and things you wanna do. And if you’re not constructive with your time, you can put yourself in to a horrible mood or even depress yourself. I should be chillin’ right now. Enjoying the fact that I don’t have to work, I don’t have class. Im in a place where I don’t have any other responsibility besides keeping the house clean, walking my dogs and paying car insurance and my cell phone bill. I have to work on occasion but not everyday. It’s quite nice, but I can’t enjoy it. I have a paper that I needs to be written and I just can’t muster up enough motivation, desire or any other emotion for that matter besides apathy. Ugh...

I pride myself as being a social butterfly, but this week has put me in check. I haven’t done anything all week. I was supposed to go to Love this evening with Jemies but I didn’t feel like it so I didn’t. Yesterday I was invited to go to Be Bar but I declined cause I didn’t feel like driving into the city or drinking for that matter. All that I can think about while I’ve been sitting on my couch for the past 2 days is being bunned up. There’s only one person that I’d really like to be hugged up with but she’s not available so I sit and wait. Not necessarily for her, but just for someone else to pique my interest. I may come off as some one that keeps a lot of women around but Im very selective with who I spend my time with.

Besides whining about not being responsible and not getting any, I’ve taken interest in the stock market. Partly because I have 75 shares of apple stock and 14.5 shares of a random mutual fund, both given to me by my grandmother. I’m all for making my money work for me. Nothing would give me more pleasure then to go play in Fiji for 2 years and come back worth $50,000. I wanna get one of those “stock market for idiots” books so that I can be some what knowledgeable about what my financial advisor is going to be doing with money.

Tomorrow, I have to work for a few hrs at the store. Maybe I’ll get to see Jemmies or someone tomorrow. I’m starting to get sick of looking at the inside of my house. I’m going to finish my beverage, color and watch...some movie.

---3 hr pause---
Just finished watching the 2nd episode of the L Word. It pay's to be a VIP sometimes.

:amel: