I just had a conversation with HoSHI about love. Her heart has been so hardened as a result of her past relationships, mine included. As of right now, I have a lot of things to say in regards to her feelings but I don’t think she would receive it the way she would as if a close friend said the same thing. Partially because we just got out of a relationship and because I’m a one of the caused some of her pain. I just feel like my points aren’t valid to her. I’m not quite sure why but I don’t wanna assume…
Every time we engage in a discussion, I’m constantly being told, “I don’t understand” and “don’t assume that you know me”( I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR SEVEN MONTH’S, HOW COULD I NOT KNOW YOU!) and at the end I’m kinda like, “well damn, I guess she told me”. I shouldn’t feel like that at the end of a conversation, or at least not all the time; I wish just one time, she could feel that way after talking to me. I listen because so that I might know her better and that’s what friends do. They listen so that they can help you if you’re having issues or sometimes just to be an ear. I want our friendship to be one of strength but it’s so hard when our conversations feel like she’s always on the defense.
I love this girl with all my heat and all I wanna do is be a good friend to her. I want to listen when she needs someone to listen, give advice when she needs it and help her out if she’s in a tight spot. She’s has challenged me in more ways then I could imaging and I like how I look at things differently as a result of having her in my life. I wish that she felt some type of positivity from me cause right now, I don’t know if she does.
:amel:
30 March 2005
27 March 2005
Just the Same...(yes!!!)
So, I didn’t get my 2 days but I feel a lot more at peace then I did a couple of days ago. I just can’t help it, people change my mood, that’s just me. When I saw HoSHI on Thursday, it was one of the best visits we had in a long time. We had good convo, and we were playing and all that good stuff that friends do. I ended up staying the night and although there was no cuddling or touching it was still a good visit.
She went out on Friday with ms. Maxwell and I really wasn’t bothered by it at all. I mean we aren’t together, why should i be upset? LizO and PRisS weren’t very happy about it and were convinced that I was lying about not being pissed. Ms. Maxwell behaved in her typical way and by the end of the night HoSHI was threw with her. She came and stayed with me that night which made me very happy cause I must admit, I would have been a little bitter if she stayed with Maxwell. She was supposed to go HoSHI’s party the next day and had us waiting for her to come back from her rugby game till 5pm. She ended up not even going. Gurrr…
We got back to her school and chilled out for a bit after picking up chipotle (mmmm). I got in a funky mood for like 30mins and wasn’t going to spend the night like I had planed. We had been spending the typical amount of time together and it was hard to keep my feelings in check, I mean we weren’t together anymore. I knew that there were certain things that I would not be privileged to, but it doesn’t keep my mood from changing because I don’t get those privileges, and I’m not talking about sex. Eventually I was cool and I ended up staying cause the party was pretty good. We got up this afternoon and were going to go to the movies but we went out to eat instead.
As long as things stay like this, I think that we’ll establish a solid friendship. I wouldn’t quite say that things are 100% normal cause its only been a week but so far so good.
I like when HoSHI talks about SaPPphiC.
She went out on Friday with ms. Maxwell and I really wasn’t bothered by it at all. I mean we aren’t together, why should i be upset? LizO and PRisS weren’t very happy about it and were convinced that I was lying about not being pissed. Ms. Maxwell behaved in her typical way and by the end of the night HoSHI was threw with her. She came and stayed with me that night which made me very happy cause I must admit, I would have been a little bitter if she stayed with Maxwell. She was supposed to go HoSHI’s party the next day and had us waiting for her to come back from her rugby game till 5pm. She ended up not even going. Gurrr…
We got back to her school and chilled out for a bit after picking up chipotle (mmmm). I got in a funky mood for like 30mins and wasn’t going to spend the night like I had planed. We had been spending the typical amount of time together and it was hard to keep my feelings in check, I mean we weren’t together anymore. I knew that there were certain things that I would not be privileged to, but it doesn’t keep my mood from changing because I don’t get those privileges, and I’m not talking about sex. Eventually I was cool and I ended up staying cause the party was pretty good. We got up this afternoon and were going to go to the movies but we went out to eat instead.
As long as things stay like this, I think that we’ll establish a solid friendship. I wouldn’t quite say that things are 100% normal cause its only been a week but so far so good.
24 March 2005
...CHaOs aNd InSaNiTY...
Blogs are such interesting things. Some people use them as a place to vent or express their feelings. Others use them to convey a msg to some one, and others still use them as a tool of procrastination. I've read a couple of them and talked to some people and It seems like everyone is going through a rough time. School, work, friends, family and relationships are out of control. And I am not exempt of the chaos.
I JUST WANNA ESCAPE…FROM EVERYTHING
From school, from people, from work and from thinking and analyzing. I haven't been at peace in such a long time and I don't know if i will be anytime soon or where I could go about finding it. It’s foolish and unreasonable to think that there could be some one to come a long and fix everything… I mean sh!t like that just doesn’t happen. Ideally, I should be able to find inner peace in the positive things that are going on in my life. You know, just divert my attention to the good and not focus on the bad.
Through the little reflection I've done in the past couple of hours, I come to the conclusion that I'm not an independent person, by any means. I mean I knew that before, I just accepted it as one of my characteristics. Not everyone can be a leader…but at any rate, I always need someone in my life to validate what I do. Whether it's a friend, a person I want to be my friend or some one I'm interested in.
I just feel like I’m standing at a crossroad in my life and for the first time there is no one there for me to consult with about my next move. I mean I know what's best for me to do but I'd so much rather just sit in the middle of the road until some one comes along that I can talk to before I choose my path. I know, I know... I can't survive in this world if I don’t do things for myself but i was so happy in my comfort zone and I'm not quite ready to leave it. I just need to man up and go out on that scary weak limb all by myself cause I know that I'm not always going to have some one by my side…case and point.
Before I can take that first step though, I desperatly need some me time, just 2 days were I can’t talk to any one and I can’t get on the net. I need it for my own sanity cause if I don’t, I think, no… I know I’m going to crack.
:amel:
From school, from people, from work and from thinking and analyzing. I haven't been at peace in such a long time and I don't know if i will be anytime soon or where I could go about finding it. It’s foolish and unreasonable to think that there could be some one to come a long and fix everything… I mean sh!t like that just doesn’t happen. Ideally, I should be able to find inner peace in the positive things that are going on in my life. You know, just divert my attention to the good and not focus on the bad.
Through the little reflection I've done in the past couple of hours, I come to the conclusion that I'm not an independent person, by any means. I mean I knew that before, I just accepted it as one of my characteristics. Not everyone can be a leader…but at any rate, I always need someone in my life to validate what I do. Whether it's a friend, a person I want to be my friend or some one I'm interested in.
I just feel like I’m standing at a crossroad in my life and for the first time there is no one there for me to consult with about my next move. I mean I know what's best for me to do but I'd so much rather just sit in the middle of the road until some one comes along that I can talk to before I choose my path. I know, I know... I can't survive in this world if I don’t do things for myself but i was so happy in my comfort zone and I'm not quite ready to leave it. I just need to man up and go out on that scary weak limb all by myself cause I know that I'm not always going to have some one by my side…case and point.
Before I can take that first step though, I desperatly need some me time, just 2 days were I can’t talk to any one and I can’t get on the net. I need it for my own sanity cause if I don’t, I think, no… I know I’m going to crack.
:amel:
21 March 2005
School...
So the most important thing on my plate right now are my two exam's I have tomorrow. The one I'm not really worried about is my one in film. The major one is my plant physiology exam that I have at 1:10 tomorrow afternoon. It's one of those exams you could study forever for but never fully grasp anything. Oh well, I'll just study till I can't study any more and call it a night. I just need a good 5 hrs of sleep and I'm cool. I had another exam in my animal behavior class today...which was surprisingly a breeze.
Today has been good. I still haven't hit my wall yet and I'm not quite sure if I will. It may happen after I give her back all her stuff on Wednesday, but I'm not going to worry about it. She made me smile and we're on good terms, which is very important considering we want to re-establish and maintain a friendship.
Just a brief break, now about that studying....
:amel:
Today has been good. I still haven't hit my wall yet and I'm not quite sure if I will. It may happen after I give her back all her stuff on Wednesday, but I'm not going to worry about it. She made me smile and we're on good terms, which is very important considering we want to re-establish and maintain a friendship.
Just a brief break, now about that studying....
:amel:
20 March 2005
Untitled
This was somthing that i wrote the other day. Eventhough i haven't written in a while, this will kinda update you all to what's been going on. This all stemed from a conversation with mr. green...
Sigh… This relationship thing is crazy. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster with this woman. I love her to death but my actions have caused too much damage. On one hand I really just want everything to work out between the two of us. I want her to love me for who I am and not hate me for my mistake. I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I did to our relationship and to her. I want to do all the things to show her that I'm not a cheater and I'm a good person to be with. I know that what I'm asking is going to take time and I'm willing to be patient.
In the same breath, our relationship has taken its toll on the both of us. I'm not loved, appreciated or feel cared about. Talking is hard and being around each other is awkward. Especially since she just spent time with the girl that she thinks is wonderful. I can’t compare to her cause I’m just that girl that slept with some one else. She’s the girl that can do no wrong. She looks the way she wants and she is some one she loves to spend time with. That’s what I should be, that's what I wanna be, I'm her girlfriend. She's just so happy where she is in her life and I'm not some one that makes her happy any more. I feel like I just bring her down.
I just thing that we should just part ways. This will give her time to decide what she wants with out having to worry about us. She can think and do as she pleases, with out being attached to me. If its meant to be, then it's meant to be and we will be together when its our time. Right now I think we're too far gone for things to get better. Our relationship is not going to be like was for a long time and perhaps if we spend time apart she will remember how things were and want that again. I'm so torn cause I just wanna stick it out, however, it hurts. It hurts to know that no matter what, I will always be looked at as just a cheater. And it hurts to know that I'm not what she wants right now. I love her with all my heart and soul, but I think we need to be apart so that no more damage is done and we can still be friends at the very least.
And that's exactly what happened. We are no longer together. So much has to change. As of right now i'm fine with it cause i know that's what we need. I'm sure as time goes by things will get really difficult.
:amel:
Sigh… This relationship thing is crazy. I've been on such an emotional roller coaster with this woman. I love her to death but my actions have caused too much damage. On one hand I really just want everything to work out between the two of us. I want her to love me for who I am and not hate me for my mistake. I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I did to our relationship and to her. I want to do all the things to show her that I'm not a cheater and I'm a good person to be with. I know that what I'm asking is going to take time and I'm willing to be patient.
In the same breath, our relationship has taken its toll on the both of us. I'm not loved, appreciated or feel cared about. Talking is hard and being around each other is awkward. Especially since she just spent time with the girl that she thinks is wonderful. I can’t compare to her cause I’m just that girl that slept with some one else. She’s the girl that can do no wrong. She looks the way she wants and she is some one she loves to spend time with. That’s what I should be, that's what I wanna be, I'm her girlfriend. She's just so happy where she is in her life and I'm not some one that makes her happy any more. I feel like I just bring her down.
I just thing that we should just part ways. This will give her time to decide what she wants with out having to worry about us. She can think and do as she pleases, with out being attached to me. If its meant to be, then it's meant to be and we will be together when its our time. Right now I think we're too far gone for things to get better. Our relationship is not going to be like was for a long time and perhaps if we spend time apart she will remember how things were and want that again. I'm so torn cause I just wanna stick it out, however, it hurts. It hurts to know that no matter what, I will always be looked at as just a cheater. And it hurts to know that I'm not what she wants right now. I love her with all my heart and soul, but I think we need to be apart so that no more damage is done and we can still be friends at the very least.
And that's exactly what happened. We are no longer together. So much has to change. As of right now i'm fine with it cause i know that's what we need. I'm sure as time goes by things will get really difficult.
:amel:
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